Rolling Stone recently released yet another special “list” issue, this one on the so-called “500 Greatest Songs of All Time.” I think it’s about time someone looked at the other end of the spectrum. So, without further adieu, I give you my picks for “The 10 Worst Songs of All Time.” (I thought about coming up with a snazzier title, but a bland one seemed to fit.)

10. “Macarena” — Los Del Rio, 1996: The worst dance song since “The Hustle,” this inescapable ditty inspired scores of people to gather en masse and prove once again that white people can’t dance.

9. “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” — Britney Spears, 2001: Not much of a singer, either.

8. “I Write the Songs” — Barry Manilow, 1975: “I write the songs that make the young girls cry.” They weren’t the only ones crying.

7. “Pac-Man Fever” — Buckner & Garcia, 1982: Know what you get when you cut a song based on a passing fad? A passing career. (See also “The Twist,” “Disco Duck” and “Convoy.”)

6. “Believe” — Cher, 1999: My friend Phil from Las Vegas put it best when he said, “Rumor has it that Sonny Bono was listening to this while skiing when he chose the tree over another verse.”

5. “Achy Breaky Heart” — Billy Ray Cyrus, 1992: This song’s awfulness goes beyond itself. In its wake came cowboy mullets, line dancing and Hannah Montana.

4. Anything by Anne Murray: I long ago forgave our neighbors to the north for giving us Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. I don’t know if I can ever forgive them for Anne, though.

3. “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)” — The 5th Dimension, 1969: The ’60s gave us Bob Dylan, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Creedence Clearwater Revival. Yet what do people use when they need some theme music for this decade? A tune taken from a dated musical that stereotypes Baby Boomers as a bunch of dirty, naked hippies. And it has THREE titles.

2. “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” — Rupert Holmes, 1979: A boringly repetitive riff, coupled with inane lyrics about an estranged couple who find each other again by posting personal ads. Of course, it went to No. 1.

1. “Ice Ice Baby” — Vanilla Ice, 1990: There’s so much wrong with this song, I hardly know where to begin. White boy steals from black pioneers to present a watered-down facsimile? Check. Made-up bio? Check. A riff lifted from a classic rock song? Check. Twenty years of Vanilla Ice pathetically trying to revive his career via reality shows and VH1 specials? Unfortunately, check.

OK, so those are my choices for the worst songs of all time. What are yours? E-mail them to me, and I’ll include them in a future column.

 

Deputy Managing Editor Rod Harmon may be contacted at 791-6450 or at:

[email protected]