Q: My ex-husband is now living with the woman he left me for. Unfortunately my children (ages 9 and 13) were aware of the affair. Our son hasn’t spoken to his dad in over a year. I have tried diligently to make sure that at least our daughter retains a decent relationship with him but now that is being threatened by his insistence that she meet and hang out with his girlfriend. She does not want anything to do with his girlfriend. He blames me (wrongly!) for turning the kids against him. Father’s Day is right around the corner and he’s really pushing to spend that day in particular with the kids but they absolutely do not want to go. What do I do?

A: It’s not uncommon for a parent who has moved on quickly to lose sight of his family’s grieving and after what seems to them like a ridiculously short amount of time, expect everyone to forgive and forget. But the truth is, family members don’t have a new relationship to distract them from the pain of betrayal and the idea of accepting a new partner may be asking too much when they are still in mourning. Also, if the parent left behind is openly devastated, the kids often want to protect him or her from additional pain and they openly reject the cheating parent with no extra prompting. If Dad wants to restore his relationship with his children he needs to start listening more, and he should be prepared to hear their hurt and anger. It’s also vital he not get defensive when his children express their anger — and most importantly, not blame their mother for his cheating. Blaming someone the children feel they must protect will only alienate them further.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make when they have moved on is wanting to introduce their kids to their new partner too soon. An affair extends the time needed before the introduction.

If you introduce the kids too soon it actually sabotages their relationship with the new partner.

Best to follow the kids’ lead — or even to get the help of a therapist to guide you through the procedure.

It’s doubtful that you will settle this in time for Father’s Day. We suggest that Dad stop pushing for the introduction and concentrate on repairing his relationship with his kids with some one-on-one time.

Not until he has regained their trust, is an introduction is appropriate. Father’s Day is always the third Sunday in June. Next year sounds like a more fitting goal.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

 

— McClatchy-Tribune

 

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