Q: My ex-husband and I live three houses away from each other. For the most part we (and our new spouses) get along very well. One concern that always keeps coming up is the difference in morals between the homes. My son told me this week that while he was at his new uncle’s home, he was allowed to shoot a gun. When we were married, our children weren’t allowed to go to certain homes that we felt were not safe and nurturing. These homes that had a lot of conflict, indoor smoking, movies were watched that we felt were inappropriate — the parents just lacked character. Now the kids are allowed to go to these homes. It seems any time I bring one of these issues up they think I am overprotective and overstepping my boundaries. When I sent a text about the gun issue — just asking if my ex-husband was aware of the situation — I was completely ignored.

A: We can’t tell you if you are being overprotective, but we can certainly tell you if you are overstepping your bounds, and we think you are. So many make the mistake of thinking that since they parented one way when they were married, that’s what they will do now that they are divorced. That would be great, but more often what happens is while married one parent was more dominant, and in order to prevent arguments the other went along. Once divorced, the less dominant parent starts making decisions that reflect his or her own beliefs, and the other parent doesn’t understand the big change. Unfortunately, there is no big change, just really bad communication while married.

Every family has a moral compass and it sounds like your former spouse was abiding by yours while he was married to you, but now that he’s not, he’s dancing to his own beat. He doesn’t like confrontation (otherwise he would have told you to knock it off while you were married) so he avoids you when you call to remind him how to parent.

We suggest you consider ex-etiquette rule No. 9: Respect each other’s turf. You can only control your own four walls and you have to trust your ex to control his. Your ex most likely knows that guns are being shot and specific movies are watched, and he’s made the value judgment that it’s OK. It does not mean “he lacks character,” it means he’s more lenient. And the big question to you as parents is, how will you problem-solve when you don’t morally agree?

Ex-etiquette rule No. 10 is “Compromise whenever possible.” If using a gun is important to your child’s father, perhaps he will concede that your child take a gun safety course — and, of course, agree that a trusted adult supervise at all times. Bottom line: You can’t dictate policy via text message. Set aside a specific time for discussion and hash things out in person.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Exetiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

 

— McClatchy-Tribune

 

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