Q: My boyfriend and I are thinking about getting married. We each have teenagers — he has a son, age 17, and I have a daughter, age 16. My daughter lives with me full time. His son lives with him every other week.

We see a potential problem with this and aren’t sure how to approach the issues we may face with two unrelated teenagers living under the same roof. We both work and there will be many times our kids will be home alone.

What do you suggest?

 

A: OK, before we answer, let’s address the elephant in the living room and your primary concern: Teens think with their hormones and it’s possible that if they live together and are left alone they may become sexually involved before they are old enough to really consider the consequences.

Good for you. Anticipating problems and having a plan in place before you move in together is the key to remarriage longevity.

Although this will probably be an unpopular answer, our first suggestion is to seriously consider waiting to marry until your daughter is 18.

It’s only two years, and although it sounds like a long time and may not curtail any of the behaviors you feel are a potential problem, at that point you will have two adult children and they will be responsible for their own actions.

If you choose to marry before they turn 18, then it is important to establish clear boundaries and have lots of open family conversations about what is expected behavior and what the repercussions will be if the boundaries are crossed.

Remember to openly reward honesty and good choices on a daily basis. And remember, no matter what their age, they should always abide by house rules.

If you do go forward sooner, it may be a good idea if they are required to participate in after-school activities like sports or other clubs instead of coming directly home after school, where there will be no adult supervision.

It’s all how you present it. They will probably be more cooperative if you positively reinforce a particular activity rather than saying, “I know teenagers and there is no way you guys are going to be home alone.”

Teens strive for individuality and if you verbally lump your teens in with all other teens, they may not only rebel, but unite as a result of the insult, which may be the start of exactly what you fear.

If you really see this as a potential problem, ultimately, we vote for waiting.

Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at:

eebonusfamilies.com

 

— McClatchy-Tribune