Q: My daughter left her husband for someone else after three years of marriage. My husband and I were quite close to her ex (I work with him), and they have a 3-year-old, so we want to normalize things for him. It was very sad for us, but we realize she is much happier (newly married). We like the new guy very much too, but she is adamant she wants us to have nothing to do with her ex. They share custody and get along OK and their son is very loved in both places. How can we explain what she is doing is not good ex-etiquette?

A: To begin, you’re right, it’s not good ex-etiquette — and she’s asking something that’s nearly impossible as well. However, we’re not surprised by her request. Most of us were raised to believe that the “best” family is the conventional configuration of a mommy, daddy and children. Once remarried and feeling guilty about the breakup of that “preferred” configuration, parents try to re-create the conventional family, including the stepparent in the parental decisions and slowly edging out the other bioparent. Though it’s not necessarily done on purpose, more often than not we have seen it done as an effort to “make it all better” for the kids. However, research shows us that the determining factors to ensure that a child flourishes are that the child feels loved and cared for. And to us that means the conventional configuration does not necessarily mean a child will grow up to be well-balanced.

Simply telling your daughter that her approach is wrong may prompt her to dig in her heels in an attempt to justify her decision by trying to convince everyone on the outside that it’s in the best interest of the children to have a more conventional lifestyle.

We have found that a change in perspective often helps with this sort of problem. Ex-etiquette Rule No. 7, “Use empathy when problem-solving,” suggests that people put themselves in the place of others to understand their point of view. At first glance your daughter may only see her ex as her ex and not understand that he is also your grandchild’s father — a relationship you have obviously nurtured over the years. Plus, from what you tell us, he didn’t do anything to prompt the breakup, so to demand your allegiance based on whim seems self-serving, to say the least. It may also help her to understand that none of you are being disloyal to her new husband by acknowledging her ex’s role in your life. From a bonus family perspective, it’s all about “too” rather than “instead of.” The common denominator is the child.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

— McClatchy Newspapers