Q: My 14-year-old bonusdaughter cut her own bangs when she was at our home last weekend. I knew her mother would be furious. In order to take the heat off, I suggested she tell her mom that I said it was OK. Mom went through the ceiling, and I got an earful. Bonusdaughter called me last night and said she wanted to tell her mom the truth. I’m afraid if she does, that will just make matters worse. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Good ex-etiquette would have been to be honest from the beginning and to instruct your bonusdaughter to do the same. But — aside from breaking Ex-etiquette rule No. 8: “Be honest and straight forward in all endeavors” — we see a bigger issue.

It sounds like you love your bonusdaughter and want her to love you, so you’re doing what many bonusparents do — letting your bonuskid get away with murder. It’s one thing to love your bonuschild, but not to the extent that you’re forgetting you’re a parent.

Some bonusparents feel that if they’re “cool,” their bonuschild will continue to confide in them, maybe even feel closer to them than the biological parent. They rationalize that they can be a good buffer between child and parent, when in fact they’re promoting secrecy. When you do so, it places the child between his or her parents with the bonusparent as the child’s ally, and pits you against his or her parents.

For some reason, hair can be a huge deal for parents who share custody, particularly for moms.

I (Jann) remember when my oldest daughter came back from Dad’s with Bozo-orange hair.

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It wasn’t as much the color (although it really was hideous), as the fact that I had already told my daughter no. My daughter went to her father’s, dyed her hair, then came home very proud that she had manipulated the situation to get exactly what she wanted.

Unknowingly, her father had undermined me simply because he did not call to check. Most of the time, these kinds of problems just boil down to communication. Kids know whether their parents compare notes, and if they don’t, they’re more likely to play you.

With that in mind, we’re thinking that Mom probably already told her daughter “no” to the bangs-cutting idea. Daughter went to Dad’s house and did it anyway. You got in the middle and took the blame, which made matters worse. Next time, don’t do it.

And don’t ask the child whether they asked their parent — ask him or her yourself. One key way parents and bonusparents can improve communication is to ask each other’s opinion. Then hear each other out before a final decision is made.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Exetiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). 


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