Dear Gov. LePage,

Can we talk comfort zones?

Additional Images

Gov. Paul LePage speaks as Austin Theriault’s NASCAR “Maine Car” is unveiled Friday. Whitney Hayward/Staff Photographer

I ask this because on Friday morning, you skipped out on a forum about Maine’s energy future to go sing the praises of a race car that gets about 5 miles per gallon.

I know, Big Guy, you see the “Maine Open For Business Chevy,” scheduled to run in the Sept. 20 NASCAR Nationwide Series “VisitMyrtleBeach.com 300,” as a high-octane boost to this state’s image if ever there was one.

I also know you consider $50,000 in taxpayer money you plunked down for this opportunity, including $15,000 from your own discretionary fund, a shrewd use of public coffers to turn around a state economy that continues to lag well behind the rest of New England when it comes to recovering from the Great Recession. (Darn! They just lapped us again!)

And I know that if given the choice between appearing on stage with Democrat Mike Michaud and independent Eliot Cutler and hanging with Miss Maine USA and Miss Teen Maine at the Maine Open For Business Chevy roll-out, you’ll go with the gals every time.

But still, Governor. Priorities?

Friday’s aptly named “Heat of the Moment” forum, organized by the Environmental Energy and Technology Council of Maine, was more than just an opportunity for you and your two challengers in this fall’s gubernatorial race to compare notes on how Mainers might stay warm this winter without going broke. It was an opportunity – the first in this campaign – for you three to be seen on the same stage at the same time to talk about anything!

No surprise, then, that Cutler, who’s been complaining loudly and often about his inability to corral you and Michaud for just this kind of confab, showed up first. There Cutler sat, alone on the stage for several awkward minutes in the University of Southern Maine’s Hannaford Hall, wondering if he’d just been punked by you and Michaud.

Which, in your case, he had.

Michaud eventually arrived at what he thought was the appointed time. You, on the other hand, caught wind via your daughter, Lauren, that the stage was literally set for a three-way slugfest.

So, rather than get out of your car, you vamoosed from the USM parking garage faster than NASCAR color man Darrell Waltrip can say “Boogity, boogity, boogity, let’s go debating, boys!”

I understand, sir, it was way, way, way outside your comfort zone. The more you trade paint with Michaud and Cutler between now and Nov. 4, the better the chance you’ll hit the wall and wreck just when many voters are tuning into the gubernatorial race. (You know, the ones who watch only for the crashes.)

Besides, you had places to go, things to do, beauty queens to charm!

Which brings us back to the Maine Open For Business Chevy.

Now, I’m sure they already explained this to you, Governor, but the “VisitMyrtleBeach.com 300” is part of NASCAR’s Nationwide Series tour, one tier down from the Sprint Cup Series that even I like to watch on my summer Sunday afternoons. (Say what? No liberals allowed? Then explain NASCAR’s “Drive for Diversity” program.)

My point? Entering the Maine Open for Business Chevy against 40 or so other cars in a race that’s already all about Myrtle Beach is to statewide economic development what a lug wrench is to the International Space Station. A highly visible tool, to be sure, but not one that’s going to get the job done.

Think about it, Big Guy. Say there’s a job creator in the stands at the “VisitMyrtleBeach.com 300” in Kentucky (of all places), or watching along with a relative handful of Americans who consider it must-see TV on a Saturday evening in September.

The Maine Open for Business Chevy flashes by, its fenders adorned with images of a moose, a lighthouse and, of course, a lobster. At which point the job creator turns to his little lady and asks, “Good God almighty! Did you see the size of that bug on the side of the Number 5 car?”

What I doubt he’s going to say is, “Looky there! Maine’s open for business! Pack up the RV, babe, we’re headed north!”

Then there’s your driver, 20-year-old Austin Theriault from Fort Kent. This will be only his third appearance on the Nationwide circuit, which is nerve-wracking enough for any kid willing to put his rural Maine driving skills up against the grandsons of southern bootleggers. (We still love you, Ricky Craven!)

Theriault, I admit, looked pretty sure of himself Friday as he posed with the beauty queens in front of a mock-up of the Maine Open for Business Chevy. But my gut tells me that away from the cameras, this kid’s being drafted by butterflies.

Why? Because he’s got $50,000 in Maine taxpayers’ money riding under his butt, that’s why!

All it takes is for some seasoned old driver to go all Tony Stewart on him and the next thing you know the Maine Open For Business Chevy is a pile of junk and your anti-government friends are accusing Theriault of failing to successfully navigate the cycle of dependency!

Or Theriault could just run out of gas, which the poor kid did during his last outing in the Nationwide Sta-Green 200 at New Hampshire Motor Speedway in July. (Chin up, Austin. You were running 12th at the time.)

Speaking of fumes, I just read a press release issued by Jeff Marks, executive director of the Environmental and Energy Technology Council of Maine, following Friday’s energy speeches by Michaud and Cutler.

“There was no intent to place politics before policy today,” insisted Marks. “Unfortunately, the governor’s decision at the last minute not to participate in the forum because of the presence of the two other candidates in the room has distracted many from focusing on the important policy issues discussed this morning by the speakers and audience.”

Ouch. In NASCAR parlance, I believe that’s called a “did not finish.”

I also heard that Cutler, at the event organizers’ request, actually agreed to exit the stage while you spoke – yet still you skedaddled.

I know, Big Guy, the comfort zone thing.

The longer this race goes on, the more you head for the pits.

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