As I was writing in my journal one morning, facing my backyard, I watched a squirrel running around frantically looking for nuts. He was digging everywhere. Sometimes he was lucky. I saw myself in that squirrel’s behavior because for the last three or four weeks I had been perseverating over everything: my finances, my spiritual direction practice that was slow to get off the ground, the repairs that needed to be done to my condo and the lack of funds to do it, etc. I was filled with desire for many things. The more I allowed myself to be in that space, the less I turned to prayer, meditation and trust. I also fell back to self-blame and shame and old thinking about what I had done wrong to get myself in this state.

I was in a whirlwind and like Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz,” I ended up in a place far from my inner home. I realized fully that sometimes it’s hard to dig ourselves out from the debris when we spend time focusing on it. But as we often see on television after a catastrophe, folks who are interviewed talk about how they’ll get started right away on the cleanup, working with neighbors and volunteers to try to get back to normal. Sometimes, though, they have to settle for a new normal and find the courage to begin anew.

I was thinking that the latter would be true for me. But I kept focusing on lack and all the things I wanted. I was in a tizzy as I spoke to my spiritual director, who helped me look at all my present options. Then she told me to not make any decisions for a few days. I tried to follow her advice and rested, read a book, took walks, as I did the inner work of trying to get myself back to the serenity of “home.” I was still edgy and somewhat angry that my answers weren’t coming more easily. I was stuck in my mind and not in my heart.

I went to yoga practice one morning and my yoga teacher began the class with this saying from the Buddha: “Suffering is caused by desire.” My heart skipped a beat. I knew that message was for me. I had been causing my own suffering by staying in the whirlwind. She played my favorite meditative CD. I hadn’t played it myself in months because I had misplaced my copy. I had just found it a few days previous, so when I got home, I decided to sit in meditation with this CD and slowly I began to feel at peace, to remember who I really was and that I was not alone. I had forgotten that it was only in deep surrender and letting go that I had ever moved forward freely. I believe we all have spirit guides, or angels who surround us on this earth journey and are supporting us whether or not we are aware of it. I allowed myself to be surrounded by the love of these beings of light and I returned to my deep belief that the Universe does provide for all my needs. So what was there to do at the end but surrender?

“Suffering is caused by desire,” the Buddha said, and I was reminded again of my vows to be mindful and present, staying in the “fertile void” until the answers come. Surrendering to what is, is not giving up. It’s a relief and a release. It frees us to move forward and it brings us back to our true home.

Rev. Helen Rousseau is an ordained Interfaith Minister and trained Spiritual Director. She can be reached at helen@helenrousseau.com or visit www.helenrousseau.com for more information.


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