Dear Governor LePage,

Looking through the headlines last week, I came across one that had your name in it followed by the words “very serious thought.”

OK, I admit it. I’m a sucker for oxymorons.

This particular story chronicled your speech to an Orono business group Tuesday evening, in which you said you were “seriously, seriously giving … very serious thought” to running for the U.S. Senate against incumbent Sen. Angus King in 2018.

“I believe I’ve outperformed him for the people of the state of Maine as governor,” you said. “And I think I can outperform him in Washington as a senator.”

No offense, Big Guy, but was this speech preceded by a happy hour?

I ask this because you sounded like a guy looking to start a bar fight. And while I’m by no means suggesting that you were somehow, ahem, impaired before you stepped up to that podium, you’re reminding me more and more these days of Butchy, a hockey player I knew in high school who once tried to impress people by downing a few beers, walking into a high school dance and sucker-punching the first unlucky male who crossed his path.

“Why the hell did you do that?” asked an incredulous onlooker.

“Why not?” Butchy replied with a self-satisfied smile.

But back to Angus.

“He ripped us off by $104 million during his eight years as governor – he ripped us off royally, and I can’t wait until 2018 because I’m thinking that’s the guy I’m going after,” you told the business folks.

That part about the $104 million would be big news if anyone had a clue what you were talking about. Apparently you think King got rich off his investment in a wind-power company during his two terms as governor from 1995 to 2003, which simply is not true.

The wind investment, which netted him just under $70,000, came years after he left the Blaine House. And King’s personal wealth, from the sale of an energy conservation firm he founded, was amassed before he was elected governor in the first place.

So I’d remind you to get your facts straight. But I’ve come to believe that facts to you are like ice cubes in a cocktail glass – stir them around long enough and they disappear completely.

Here are a couple of facts: As of today, you’ve been in office 1,929 days. Assuming you hang in there until Jan. 2, 2019, you have 990 days to go.

In other words, you’re just about two-thirds of the way through your stint as governor – a point where most in your position start pondering their legacy, their signature achievements, how their accomplishments on the way out reflect their aspirations on the way in.

And what have you got? Bruised knuckles.

Seriously, Big Guy, I’m sitting here struggling to come up with one shred of evidence that you’ve “outperformed” not just Angus King, but any governor in Maine history. I even went so far as to Google “worst governor in Maine history” and, lo and behold, your name is all over the place. (As the Daily Beast so succinctly put it last summer, “The Idiot Thug Running Maine.”)

Looking ahead to 2018, assuming you’re serious about setting your sights on the Senate, I see three huge problems in your path.

One is your opponent.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed over the years, Governor, but Angus King actually likes Maine. And Maine, for the most part, seems to like him back.

I’ll long remember King’s State of the State speech following the devastating North American Ice Storm of 1998 that left Maine paralyzed and without power for weeks on end. He spoke eloquently and with pride about how his fellow Mainers looked out for one another, how we persevered, how we showed the rest of the world what we’re made of.

You skipped your State of the State this year because you were ticked off with the “socialists” in the Legislature. And since we’re on the topic, when have you ever said you were proud of Maine for anything?

Next up is your record as a businessman-turned-governor who promised to come in and make Maine, as the sign at the turnpike entrance still proclaims, “Open for Business.”

Last week, the Maine Development Foundation and the Maine Economic Growth Council released their annual “Measures of Growth 2016” report. One statistic stood out like a black eye.

Between 2009 and 2014, the report says, Maine’s economy shrank by 1.2 percent. During the same period, the nation’s economy grew by 9.4 percent and New England’s economy grew by 5.4 percent.

Now I’m not suggesting that’s all your fault, Governor. But with more than half of that five-year period occurring on your watch, it’s fair by now to ask what, if anything, you’ve done about it.

You’ve blamed the Democrats in the Legislature. And when that hasn’t worked, you’ve cold-cocked a few fellow Republicans as well.

You’ve moaned constantly about Maine’s high energy costs, even as those in business and industry say that is but one of many challenges they face here.

And speaking of energy, how about that Legislature and the solar-power bill it passed in the final hours of its session late Friday? The bipartisan measure, crafted through painstaking compromise, would add 196 megawatts of solar capacity to the state’s energy portfolio, not to mention 650 jobs and $500 million in investment to Maine’s economy over the next several years.

But you’re going to veto it. I’m sure that will come as good news to the Koch brothers, whose oil money will undoubtedly lubricate your Senate campaign via some oddly named Super PAC like “Dirigo Last Call” or “Mainers Ready to Rumble.”

Which brings us to the most obvious obstacle you face in this whole cockamamie scheme of yours: Assuming you ever made it near the U.S. Senate floor, you wouldn’t last a day.

I refer you to the Senate Rules of Order, Chapter 6, Rule 6.2: “Every member shall confine himself to decorous language in addressing the Senate and shall make no personal or derogatory remark to or about any member.”

And if you ignore all that and, let’s say, tell that liberal clown Sen. Al Franken from Minnesota to “kiss my butt”?

Rule 6.3 D: “If the member refuses to submit to reprimand or continues to be in disorder after reprimand, the President may cause him to be ejected from the Senate for a stated period determined by the President or for such period as may be stated by the Senate upon motion duly adopted.”

Sorry, Big Guy, but you heard that right.

The Senate has bouncers.