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Families Today: Bring lies into light of understanding

By DR. T. BERRY BRAZELTON and DR. JOSHUA SPARROW

Lying is part of any 4- or 5-year-old's agenda. When they wish hard for something they can't have, the longing becomes almost unbearable. A lie can supply the bridge.

At this age, children lie when a passionate wish is at stake, or over a reality they don't know how to face without their parents' help. The lie is transparent because it's so clearly related to the child's wish.

"The store man gave me this candy," Billy said.

"You know he didn't," his mother replied. "You took it off the shelf as we went by. How could you do such a thing? It doesn't belong to you. You're lying, and that's wrong!"

Billy's face darkened as he faced this barrage. "I didn't mean to."

That is, Billy didn't mean to face reality with his wish. He didn't mean to be caught. Lying was his way of protecting the wish and evading the confrontation. When he was caught out in the lie, his conscience met him head-on.

As he began to weep, his mother said, "You know you don't need to lie to me. We'll take the candy back, and you can tell the store man that you're sorry you took his candy."

This action will help Billy face the reality of having taken someone's property. It will also help compensate for the guilty feelings he has begun to experience. Guilt is a powerful mechanism. It helps to produce solutions.

The second lie ("I didn't mean to") helped Billy fend off his guilty feelings. It was his way of acknowledging his misdeed before he was ready to accept responsibility for it; for this, he needed his mother's offer of a way to make reparations.

Parents often ask me what to do when their children lie.

• First, try to understand the circumstances that led to the episode.

• Trust the child to mean well. Try to understand his reasons -- his fantasies and wishful thinking. Help him to understand them, too.

• Don't corner the child or overreact violently. Conscience at this age is just emerging; guilt comes after the act and in response to disapproval.

The long-term goal is to help the child incorporate a conscience -- so that, as the psychoanalyst Selma H. Fraiberg put it, "the policeman outside becomes the policeman inside."

You will know you're making progress when you and your child can discuss each episode and when you can help him understand his reasons for lying. At a later stage, a child will begin to respect others' feelings and rights.

If, however, lying is repeated, more insidious and less understandable, you're probably putting too much pressure on the child. In such a situation, you must lay off harsh punishments. Admit to the child that you've been too hard on him. Sometimes it helps to use dolls or stories to talk and play out the issues.

If you're really worried, seek a professional evaluation for your child. Remember that consistent lying is most likely a symptom of a child's inability to accept the limits of his world and the frustration, anxiety and fearfulness that go with it. These need to be addressed, not suppressed.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by email to:

nytsyn-families@nytimes.com