Wednesday, April 16, 2014
By JANN BLACKSTONE
Q: My parents are divorced and my father has been remarried for 20 years. I love his wife and she is like a second mom to me. Plus, my wife and I had our first child three months ago -- not to mention my wife's mother lives nearby, and my wife has a bonusmom as well.
On holidays my wife wants to see her moms and I want to see mine. How do I juggle all this using good ex-etiquette?
A: Good ex-etiquette begins by putting the children first -- and it appears your moms have if you hold all of them in such high regard. Your dilemma is a perfect reason to start a dialog.
Use the birth of your own child as the catalyst and explain to all the players that now that you have a child, you would like to start a new tradition.
Now, you have to decide what the new tradition is.
Let's look at two suggestions for how to handle holidays with baby: It's not uncommon for people in your situation to treat a holiday as a weekend celebration, splitting their visits with loved ones between the true holiday and the day before or after.
For example, some people who have large extended families split their Thanksgiving celebration between Thanksgiving Day and the Friday after. We have so many people to include around holidays, I host Thanksgiving on the Saturday following the holiday!
You could use a typical holiday parenting schedule as your model. Figure out who you will see on the Saturday before a holiday and who you will see on the actual day. Then switch the next year.
Granted, this can be complicated, but it does serve its purpose for families who have clearly delineated lines between the divorced parents' homes.
The second suggestion for the new tradition is to host the celebration at your house.
To cut costs, consider a potluck.
Invite all the parents in question, explain that there are just too many places to go, and in the name of all the children involved (including you) please consider celebrating in one place.
But if you are locked in step-wars, don't try it.
Finally, it's a fine line children walk when they are close to both their mom and bonusmom.
Many have told me that they don't want to disrespect their own mother, but they also want to acknowledge their bonusmom -- and they aren't sure how to do it without hurting either one.
That's a tough one if the moms are in competition with one another. Ex-Etiquette rule No. 4 is "Bioparents make the rules, bonusparents uphold them."
If all the parents have things in the proper perspective, they understand that it's not "either/or" but "also" -- always in the best interest of the children.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation," and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com. Reach her at: