Ben was on a mission. He wanted to ban the greeting, “Hi, how you doing?”

Whether in person or on the phone, Ben claimed the phrase is a mere formality with the addresser expecting “fine” as the response. Then the real conversation begins. Those in a hurry might dispense with “Hi” and start with “How you doing?” But the expected answer is the same. Often the addresser does not wait for a response but continues to speak, because “fine” is normative.

“What if you’re not fine? Is it socially acceptable to tell people how you feel?” Ben wondered. In the past, Ben had acceded to the social norm, though there were occasions he did not feel well physically or emotionally. It was simpler not to tell people how you felt on a bad day. “Why rock the boat? Everyone’s busy!” sighed Ben. “Who cares, anyway?” No more.

For the last 18 months Ben has been undergoing chemotherapy. His disease has not responded. Ben has not felt fine because of the growth of his cancer and the side-effects of treatment.

Recently, on a trip to New York for a second opinion, he toured the NBC television studios. The guide blithely bounced into the reception area and sounded out, “How you doing?” to the group of 50 waiting for the tour. Ben wanted to shout, “I’m nauseated and tired!” but the docent, not waiting for anyone in the group to respond, began chattering about the fabulous set of “Saturday Night Live.”

When he returned to Maine, Ben was unable to maintain the ruse of “fine” any longer. “The new treatment was real tough,” Ben gulped. Answering “fine” became intolerable — it was so far from the truth. By now, Ben felt compelled to tell those he met in person or spoke with on the phone how he really felt, but did not know what to expect. He had never heard anyone else say anything but “fine” when addressed in polite conversation.

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Ben only hoped those he encountered might respond like Jesus. During his three years of ministry, Jesus was bombarded with people coming up to him everywhere he went. No one responded with “fine” when Jesus addressed them, because those in the crowds approaching him had serious physical and spiritual needs.

Yet Jesus, though incredibly busy, was always willing to listen. In one episode, a man with leprosy blurted out to Jesus, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus responded graciously to the man, “I am willing. Be clean” (Luke 5: 12-13).

Though Ben did not expect miracles, walking on water, or perfect behavior toward him, could he expect some expression of kindness when he shared his desperate feelings? “Aren’t we made in God’s image?” Ben pondered.

Ben’s new retort was, “I’m not fine today. I’m nauseated from chemotherapy.” At first he replied hesitantly, then with boldness as he became more comfortable expressing himself. Nobody was rude. A few people looked stunned or puzzled and continued to talk as if he had said “fine,” ignoring what he had said.

There was the occasional “Wow,” but most listened attentively and responded with encouragement. He heard, “How can I help you?” as well as “I’ll pray for you.” Several recounted experiences of their own family members with chemotherapy. A barista at a well-known coffee shop squeezed his hand and replied earnestly, “We all know you here and are with you.”

By the end of the first month of his new chemotherapy, Ben felt remarkably affected by telling people how he felt because there were real changes in his interactions. Those with whom he had repeated contact responded more graciously to him because they understood what he was going through.

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Does Ben still feel “Hi, how you doing?” should be banned? “It depends if it’s a real question and you care how people really feel ’cause they might really tell you!” Ben said. “But if it’s a glib expression and you don’t mean it, don’t say it,” he concluded.

When Ben returned weeks later to the coffee shop, the barista who had offered encouragement, did not begin with “Hi, how you doing?” She smiled and asked, “Are you doing any better today? Are you still sick?” She had remembered! Ben had found someone who cared, a new friend.

Dr. Delvyn C. Case Jr. is a hematologist/oncologist, writer, playwright and director, and consultant to the Department of Spiritual Care at Maine Medical Center in Portland.

 


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