January 23, 2013

Bill Nemitz: A letter to LePage the Tigerhearted

By Bill Nemitz bnemitz@pressherald.com

(Continued from page 1)

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Maine Gov. Paul LePage

Chipman's lucky you didn't go for his throat, right Governor?

And how about the nerve of that Jeff Evangelos, telling you to "get your own house in order" on the double-dipping thing. Reminds me of an article I once read about a zoo in China where visitors rent a pole with a live chicken attached and dangle it over the tiger's den until ... you get the picture.

Now I'm no expert on zoos, Governor, but I think I understand why you reacted the way you did to that trio of ne'er-do-wells.

You are, after all, a beast confined. An exceedingly rare political specimen who thrives atop the democratic (easy there, Big Guy, that's a small "d") food chain, while chafing at the social niceties and sense of decorum we Mainers normally associate with our chief executive.

Who can blame you for getting all primal on us when, confined as you are in that cramped corner of the State House, someone suddenly gets in your face? (And where, by the way, is PETA when we need them?)

Truth be told, Governor, I'm frightened -- not just of you, but for you. My gut tells me that if the independents get your dander up so easily, a wayward pack of Democrats who wander too close to your office will be dead meat before the Legislature even knows it lacks a quorum.

So, in the interest of peaceful coexistence, I doubled back on the San Francisco Zoo to see what they did after their Tatiana tragedy. Turns out they've come up with all kinds of precautions -- the electrified perimeter fence sounds like a particularly good fit -- that just might work in your neck of the jungle.

The zoo also has installed a sign that, if tweaked a little and placed in the Hall of Flags just outside your office, would speak volumes.

"The magnificent animals in the Zoo ... are sensitive and have feelings," it cautions. "PLEASE don't tap on glass, cross barriers, throw anything into exhibits, make excessive noise, tease or call out to them."

(Or, to save money on lettering, you could pare it down to "Welcome to the Maine Maul.")

As for me, Governor, I simply can't stand to see you treated like this anymore. And as luck would have it, I just thought of a way to make your remaining two years in captivity more humane for you and a lot less terrifying for us.

One quick question: How do you like your chicken?


Columnist Bill Nemitz can be contacted at 791-6323 or at:



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