“The more you earn, the less you keep,

And now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to take,

If the tax collector hasn’t got it before I wake.” Ogden Nash.

Lane/Tommy: We have finally realized that we are gradually being taxed to death. This slow torture has become so burdensome that we wish to quickly end our suffering. Maybe the liberal philosophy is true that we are not being taxed enough. Wouldn’t it just be ducky if you had no financial or other worries because your government, after taking all your money, knows what you need from the cradle to the grave?

Tommy: Could it be that the bureaucratic predators are right on with their tax-and-spend mentality? Is it time to spend even more money since they believe they can tax everyone into prosperity? Just imagine a state where we all have the same amount of wealth and have equal benefits for all. We would want for nothing with never having to work for it. The only serious consequence is that government workers will have to work even harder in order that we receive identical benefits that they collect.

Lane: Maybe Maine should host a game show like “Deal or No Deal.” Everyone would receive a briefcase with a sum of money in it. Then they could go in front of the Maine Legislature to make a deal or keep their case. The governor would be the host and the legislators would have to wear the same glamorous apparel as models do on the real “Deal or No Deal” show, which is a total scary thought. Maybe if enough citizens win huge amounts of cash, the state will go broke even quicker.

Lane/Tommy: Let’s give our town council and school board even more money than they want or could spend. We already know that they want us to finance their wants which they call unmet needs. It’s now time to have a contest in Windham for the most ridiculous manner in which we can spend tax dollars. Call your local councilor or school board member with an innovative idea on how they should overspend your hard-earned money. Maybe a dog park isn’t enough for us taxpayers to finance. Aren’t we discriminating against those who have cats, parakeets, hamsters, rabbits or even snakes? After all, they should have the right to socialize, too. Another suggestion was a community garden. Wouldn’t it be nice if all our rose bushes could organize social activities together?

Another pet peeve we have is that the sewer system extension in South Windham is not reaching the place where the most effluent is originating from in our town. In December 2006, the Windham Town Council agreed to spend approximately $2 million for the sewer extension to Westbrook. Since taxpayers who have septic systems might be paying for people in South Windham to flush their toilets, let’s raise our property taxes even higher to extend the sewer system to the town hall.

Lane: Maybe it’s time for universal health care or at least a single-payer health system. My suggestion is since government workers in Maine, on average, have better pay and benefits than the average Maine worker, let’s put a special tax on them to pay for our health care. Maybe giving a government employee a vehicle to use at no cost, including traveling to and from their place of residence isn’t enough. Shouldn’t we pay for their food, recreation and other expenses above and beyond their salaries?

Just think, there is a proposal to tax funerals so that we can even be taxed after death. An excellent idea would be to tax all inheritances at 100 percent. What the heck, we can’t take anything with us so why should anyone else have it? It would stop families from bickering over who gets what after someone dies.

Tommy: Remember, if our government can spend more money ever faster and move us into bankruptcy quicker, we can live in the poor house without working for it. Isn’t that a sweet idea?

Lane and Tommy, of Windham, are looking forward to living at the Town Farm in Windham in order that they can sit and watch the crops grow at no expense and imagine the lovely meals that will be prepared for them. Excuse me, can you pass the filet mignon and asparagus, please? Ah shucks! The Town Farm doesn’t exist just like our transfer station, bulky waste drop-off and soon our leaf and brush pile. Now we know we aren’t being taxed enough.

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