Q: Six months ago my ex and I split up. We weren’t married, but we were together for 25 years and he cheated on me, so we broke up. We have an 18-year-old who has gone off to college, and two dogs that stayed with him. When I left the relationship we agreed that I could stop by in the morning and after work to see the dogs. Now he’s giving me a hard time about it because the girl he cheated with has moved in. Shouldn’t he keep the agreement we had? We left on good terms and agreed to be friends. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: It sounds as though the circumstances under which the agreement was made have changed (you were transitioning out of a relationship and your ex was living alone). Therefore the agreement may have to be tweaked a little for you both to be comfortable with it. It’s not uncommon to tweak agreements after a breakup. Even the most important agreement — the child custody agreement — is often adjusted as the child gets older and circumstances change. What worked when your child was 5 may not work when he’s 15. What worked when you first broke up may not work after six months. The key is to talk, listen and, as ex-etiquette rule No. 10 says, “Compromise whenever possible.”

Before addressing that, however, make sure all this is about the dogs and not just an excuse to see your ex. You wouldn’t be the first person to look for any reason to see the ex after a breakup. Going to your ex’s home twice a day is a lot for you both to emotionally handle — and may keep you from truly committing to starting a new life. As painful as it has been, you’ve been apart for six months and he’s moved in with someone else. It’s time to negotiate a new agreement.

First, though, you have to decide if seeing the animals is worth the stress of seeing your ex with his girlfriend. If it is, then you could approach this like a custody agreement and share the animals. Although we are certain animals are traumatized when their humans are no longer together, we don’t really know how they feel because they can’t tell us. Owners know when their animals are hurt or depressed, but we don’t know an animal’s coping mechanism. If your animals are old or sick, you have to take a look at what is the most humane way to approach it, so it’s a tough call. If you don’t want to split up the dogs, you may want to consider each keeping them for a month or so — but it seems like all this just prolongs the inevitable. 

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

— McClatchy Newspapers