Q: I have been with my partner for two years. We were high school sweethearts who reconnected just before he left his wife of 10 years. He has two daughters, ages 6 and 11. We have lived together for a year now and I have embraced the girls, as has my extended family. His ex objects to the integration of the girls with me and my extended family. Plus she has told the 6-year-old not to call me “Auntie” or my mother “Grandma.” What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Red flag! It sounds as if reconnecting with you may have been the catalyst for your guy to leave his wife. If that’s the case, then the adjustment period is going to be far longer than if he had separated and reconnected with you after that.

No matter what really did happen, the ex is probably blaming you, and that’s the reason she doesn’t want her kids to integrate with your family. The only thing that will normalize that is time, and living together for a year just isn’t enough time to heal the pain of a breakup that she probably feels you initiated.

Although Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1 is “put the children first,” we also must point out that getting adjusted after a breakup is a carefully coordinated dance among all involved.

This means that even if the kids seem fine, you have to take a look at how you’re approaching this because the kids are probably not fine if Mom is having trouble coping. When that’s the case, the kids start to feel guilty for liking it at your home and begin lying to Mom about their desire to see Dad.

They start with the “I don’t want to go see Dad” stuff when they really do, simply because they don’t want to hurt Mom even more. Mom thinks the kids are unhappy and tells Dad that they don’t want to come see him — which makes Dad crazy because he knows they have a blast at his house.

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Add the fact that you’re probably elated that the kids have taken to you and your family so quickly, and you’re well on your way to facing stepfamily fallout.

Here’s what we suggest:

1. Make sure that while you’re experiencing all these good bonusfamily feelings that you aren’t being completely insensitive to Mom’s position. If so, she’ll then dig in her heels and be uncooperative.

2. You aren’t the kids’ aunt, and asking the kids to call you “Auntie” probably offends Mom as well. Have them make up two nicknames, one exclusively for you and one for your parents. Openly respect Mom’s position, and integration will go more smoothly.

3. Read “Tips for Her” on the Bonus Families website. It offers tips to moms and bonusmoms on how they can better get along for the kids’ sake.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at eebonusfamilies.com.

 


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