The Grammy nominations were announced last week, and, as usual, there were some no-brainers, some head-scratchers and some that made me scream at my computer.

There are already way more categories for the Grammys than necessary (Best Regional Roots Music Album? What does that even mean?), but I think there are some special awards that deserve to be given out this year. These are one-of-a-kind Grammys that each artist worked hard for, and therefore truly deserve.

The Milk My Big Album Until It’s a Dried, Wrinkled Husk Award: Adele, who’s been nominated in the Best Pop Solo Performance category for a live version of “Set Fire to the Rain” — originally released on her “21” album in February 2011.

The Kiss of Death Award: For whoever wins the Best New Artist Category. Past Best New Artist winners: Men at Work, The Starland Vocal Band, Culture Club, Bobbie Gentry, Debby Boone, A Taste of Honey, Christopher Cross, Arrested Development and Evanescence.

The Biggest Diss Award (tie): Bob Dylan, whose “Tempest” was better than most of the nominees for Album of the Year, and Psy, whose “Gangnam Style” became the biggest sensation to make white people look silly while dancing since the Macarena. Neither received a single nomination.

Biggest Ego Award: Lady Gaga, who thought that “White Christmas” wasn’t good enough, so she added a verse of her own. Really — she even talks about it during the song.

The Maybe It’s You Award: Taylor Swift, who’s made a career out of dating guys, breaking up with them, and writing songs about the breakups. Sweetie, when you go through more men in a year than the Zumba madam, maybe it’s time to look in the mirror.

The Now That You’re Dead, We’ll Give You a Grammy Award: Ravi Shankar. The sitar master died Tuesday evening; on Wednesday, the Academy announced he was receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award.

The Making the Portland Live Music Scene Relevant Again Award: The State Theatre, which promoted and/or hosted Grammy nominees The Black Keys, Mumford & Sons, fun. and The Lumineers in the past year.

The Please God Just Go Away Award: Ke$ha. Not since Milli Vanilli has a more talentless hack reached the top of the pop charts. At least Milli Vanilli let other people sing for them; Ke$ha uses Auto-Tune to disguise her horrible voice while she fantasizes about getting her skanky hands on Justin Bieber. Ewww.

The Least Deserving Legacy Award: Paul McCartney, whose “Kisses on the Bottom” was nominated for Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album. The music was almost as tepid as the title was icky. Does the Academy have to nominate Sir Paul every time he releases something?

The Most Likely to Get Bleeped Multiple Times During the Grammys Telecast Award: Drake featuring Lil’ Wayne, for “HYFR (H*** Yeah F****** Right”), which has been nominated for Best Rap Performance. If you watch at home, take a drink every time you hear a bleep — but don’t be surprised if you pass out before the song is over.

Deputy Managing Editor Rod Harmon may be contacted at 791-6450 or:

[email protected]

Twitter: RHarmonPPH


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