Thank you for visiting InstaQuark’s website! In order to provide you with a positive visitor experience, we may occasionally collect information about you. We collect information in three (3) ways.

1. Information collected through you. When you register with InstaQuark, we may ask you to provide basic indentify information, not limited to your name, address, email, telephone number, Social Security number, mother’s maiden name, mother’s favorite teacher, mother’s first sexual experience, income, checking account numbers, health history, political leanings, religious affiliations, secret longings, furtive meetings, and desperate middle-of-the-night panic attacks.

Where possible, we will indicate which fields are optional and which fields are required.

All fields are required.

When you “sign in,” failure to comply with these “requirements” may result in “detentions” in a “jail cell.”

2. Information collected through technology. When you visit InstaQuark’s website, our servers log your Internet Protocol (IP) address. In certain instances your IP address •••••• •••••• ••••••••• ••• •••••••• ••••••• •••• ••••• •• ••••••• U.S. Court of Appeals.

A brief explanation of “cookie” technology: We may place website cookies onto your computer in order to better personalize your web browsing experience. Cookies do not in any way capture personal information residing on your hard drive. (Sound of laughter in the background.)

To browse without cookies, simply reconfigure your browser by going to thwqoimL;K2E DASIOKPASDASDklasnas asjkk9834hsdjkfh23891-jdoqasd owie sahNNMZXNCJSD0FJ AS;syfgvfyrltefgb;rfb;4hfbf3-32hfnbn. Each browser is different, so check the “Help” menu of your browser for more information.

If you choose not to accept InstaQuark’s cookies, you may experience some inconvenience in your use of certain online products and experiences. In occasional but increasingly common instances, users have noted sparks emanating from the screen. Users have also reported drooling, biochemical mutations, and the complete shutdown of bodily functions. Please contact your Internet Service Provider (ISP) for further information.

3. Information collected in other ways. You don’t want to know about these other methods. Trust us, you don’t.

Some frequently asked questions: 

Why do you need my credit card number?

We don’t, really. We already have it on file. 

How can I find the Card Verification Value Code (CVV) on my credit card?

No need to look — it’s 349. 

Why do you need to collect information about my lifestyle and habits?

Why is orange the third most popular color among Methodists? Why are there such dramatic fluctuations inside the Van Allen Belt? Why can’t a woman be more like a man? See, you’re not the only one with questions. 

Why has a white panel truck been parked outside of my home for the past three weeks?

Look again. It’s gone now. 

Could you explain more about collecting information from third parties?

That boy in elementary school, the one who always sat in the back of the classroom? The one who always got into fights during recess? The one who mysteriously disappeared one day during fourth grade? When he grew up, he became a third party. 

Why do I now see ads for ValuSplurge, RediSpam, and iTroglodyte in my personal email?

From time to time — well, actually, every minute of every day — InstaQuark enters into agreements with trusted advertising service providers. We are excited to offer you the purchasing opportunities available through these providers, who may contact you via banner ads, splash ads, text messages, print ads, phone calls, billboards, skywriting, Vulcan mind meld, and other formats. You may easily opt out of such advertising by following these three steps:

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How long do you store information on InstaQuark’s website logs?

Think of the oldest man you know, someone with a really, really long white beard. OK, now think about his grandfather. And what if the grandfather, when he was himself a boy, had a next-door neighbor who was really, really, really – 

Can I close out of my browser now?

No.

John Spritz is a marketing and communications consultant based in Portland, www.jspritz.com.

Illustrations by Regis Biron, www.rbiron.com