National Security Agency intercept transcript WH-BZ19103, upset citizen category. Recommend watch alert with potential upgrade to comprehensive surveillance. 

White House Operator: Hello, this is the White House, keeping track of you and your interests 24/7 since January 2009. How may we direct your call?

Concerned Caller (identified by trace and voiceprint analysis as Citizen Sierra Echo Foxtrot 847720, subcategory “Red State”): Yeah, I want to speak to whoever there actually thinks that all the recent scandals your guy has gotten us into are “phony.”

WHO: Thank you. That would be the Issues Framing Section of the Office of Political Threat Deflection, which is part of the Eternal Campaign Organization. I will transfer you, but for future reference, if you had stayed on the line and not dialed “O,” you could have reached that office by dialing 47 on the automated answering service.

CC: OK, but I lost patience after about No. 33, which was something like the “Department of Defaming the National Rifle Association,” or maybe it was the “Attacking the Catholic Church Concept Solicitation Bureau.”

WHO: Yes, sir. The phone tree is extensive because there’s so much we have to accomplish in the next seven years. Transferring you now.

CC: Hey, wait, Obama only has three years left in office! (Music begins. “I Will Survive” plays for 12 minutes, 19 seconds.)

Recorded Voice: Hello, you have reached the Issues Framing Section. Please hold for the next available responder. Your views are really, really important to us (stifled chuckle) and we want to take your call. (Music begins. “We Will Rock You” plays for 17 minutes, 32 seconds.)

IFS: Thank you for holding. How may we assist you?

CC: Thank God, a real person. I waited because I really want to know something. The gun-running thing to Mexico was bad enough, but the IRS going after the conservative groups was worse — and now the Federal Election Commission also is involved, linked through this Lois Lerner person. So how can the president say there was no scandal when she pleaded the Fifth Amendment before Congress, and her underlings were kicking the conservative groups’ investigations — and only them — up to one of the top political appointees in the agency?

IFS: Sir, we’re very glad you asked those questions. Our response is that no less an authority than the president himself has officially and irrevocably declared them to be phony, and that view is shared by his press secretary, Jay Carney. What more could you want?

CC: That’s what I thought you’d say. But wait, there’s more. The joke going around the conservative blogs is that all George Zimmerman has to do to keep the White House and the major media from ever referring to him again is to change his name to Ben Ghazi.

IFS: That’s not funny, sir.

CC: That’s what you think. But the serious part is that some people in the national media are still paying attention. Jake Tapper, on CNN, reported that Benghazi was loaded with CIA agents before the attack that killed our ambassador and three security guys. There were up to three dozen spooks on the ground, Tapper said, and the agency has been “going to great lengths to keep whatever it was they were doing a secret.” (Sound of paper shuffling.)

CC: He also said, and a member of Congress affirms it, that the survivors have been given false identities, shuttled around among foreign countries and subjected to repeated lie-detector exams, possibly to find if they have been telling any outsider what they were actually doing there.

(NSA note: Cross-reference with Department of Homeland Security file “CNN Tapper,” priority alpha-alpha.)

CC: Tapper has already said the CIA was in Benghazi to try to control the flow of weapons from Libya to terrorist groups, including shoulder-fired missiles that can shoot down airplanes. Now some people are saying that the CIA was actually moving weapons to Syria, not blocking them. Are four dead Americans and all these allegations really a phony scandal, or a real one?

IFS: Sir, these issues have been thoroughly evaluated by the State Department and the Central Intelligence Agency, and I can assure you that if there was anything you needed to know, you would have been informed of it. Since you have not been told anything, there is nothing you need to know.

CC: Look, I’m a citizen, and I have a right to know if my (word garbled) government is doing shady things and then forcing people to keep quiet about them. You do know you won’t be able to keep this a secret forever, don’t you?

IFS: Forever is a long time, sir. Perhaps all we need is a shorter time than that. (Music begins. “We’ll Meet Again” plays until caller disconnects.)

M.D. Harmon, a retired journalist and military officer, is a freelance writer and speaker. He can be contacted at:

[email protected]


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