Writing a review of stand-up comedian Amy Schumer for a family newspaper is kind of like watching an R-rated movie on network television.

Much of the show can’t be mentioned in this column, and the jokes I can refer to must be heavily edited. Those who didn’t make it to two well-attended shows at Cross Insurance Arena in Portland on Saturday are left to imagine the raunchy jokes she told.

Rest assured, she was (expletive) funny.

Schumer performed at 7:30 and 10:30 p.m., and we were at the later show, where she told jokes for an hour after two warm-up acts. The comedian was criticized on Twitter for performing for only 40-45 minutes in the first show, but she explained in a later tweet that she needed time to get ready for her second show. The second show was added after the first one sold out.

But if that’s the case, the organizers should have planned for more than three hours between shows.

As Schumer should know, inequality is a problem in America and more is always better than less.

In any event, Schumer got the crowd rolling immediately by making fun of Maine, referring to an amateurish-looking sign welcoming her to Portland.

The sign on the projection screen displayed aqua-blue letters in a 1980s font that said “Portland Maine welcomes Amy Schumer” positioned on top of a washed-out photo of the Portland skyline.

“That looks like the opening scene for a snuff film,” she said.

Pointing to the velvety-blue, shimmering curtain behind her, Schumer laughed and said: “That’s just what I wanted. How did you know?”

Later in the show, Schumer tried to get a camera to pan to someone in the audience she was teasing. Our fine arena apparently did not have that capability, at least for Schumer’s show.

“Just be happy you have one webcam, (expletive),” Schumer said.

And regarding Maine’s remoteness, she joked, “I’m not sure I really understand where I am.”

We get it, we’re off the beaten path and behind the times here in Maine, but at least we have our lobster.

Schumer, referring to her weight gain since the film she starred in this summer, “Trainwreck,” came out, explained that she likes to eat the local food wherever she’s performing, mentioning hot dogs, pizza, cheese-steak sandwiches and other favorites. So when she asked the crowd what the local food is in Portland, the audience shouted, “Lobster!”

Schumer then preened, and did her best “wealthy New Englander” accent.

“Lobstah, what a rich, white thing to say, you (expletive),” she said.

Schumer seemed to get that her time selling out two big shows in Portland is limited. Her star power, such as it is, could fade quickly.

“I have, like, two more months of being famous,” Schumer said.

But for now, Schumer is a hot ticket, not only for being hilarious, but for her social commentary. Schumer’s skits on her “Inside Amy Schumer” show on Comedy Central sometimes make a larger point, such as America’s focus on superficial looks and the easy access to guns in our society.

“I am a feminist icon,” Schumer said, laughing so hard that she bent down and put her hands on her knees.

During a rare serious moment, Schumer paid tribute to two people who died in a shooting at screening of her movie in July in Lafayette, Louisiana. Since then, she has lobbied in favor of banning the sale of guns to people convicted of domestic violence, or those who have a severe mental illness.

But she didn’t stay serious for long, as she pivoted to jokes about America’s gun culture before switching back to well-worn topics like airlines, beauty pageants and sex.

The jokes were so consistently hilarious that my wife, Melanie, said her face hurt from laughing so much.

Thank you, Amy Schumer, for a fun show.

We hope you enjoyed your lobstah.


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