The New York Times once reported Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, discussed the possibility of a Trump-branded TV network. So here is The Trump Channel schedule:

Monday, 8 p.m., “The Caravan.” This sitcom depicts the riotous adventures of an extended family of illegal immigrants in a small desert town in Arizona. In this week’s episode, Rolando welcomes his recently arrived cousin Jose, who has just spent four days traveling across the desert disguised as a lobster. The two cousins create bedlam at their school’s science fair by building a miniature nuclear power plant using only some heavy water and a spatula.

Wednesday, 8:30 p.m., “Take My CEO, Please.” The reality show that pits real-life CEOs from the private sector against government bureaucrats in a heart-pounding race to see who can shut off a leaking oil well a mile under the ocean before the oil turns the Gulf of Mexico into the Gulf of Texaco. Special guest appearances by Warren Buffett and Jimmy Buffett.

Thursday, 9 p.m., Movie of the Week, “Twilight: Moderate Leakage Expected,” starring Barry Newman, Paul Newman, Julie Newmar and Alfred E. Neuman. Sharing his bag of Olestra-fried potato chips with a vampire, Harvey Limpkin comes to regret FDA approval of the fat substitute when, while sitting in the fifth row at a performance of Wagner’s opera, “Die Ringworm,” he detects rumblings of his insides and sets out for the men’s room, hoping to get there in time.

Friday, 10 p.m., “The Biggest Loser,” a reality-based show hosted by Donald Trump himself, on location from one of his golf resorts. In this episode a Girl Scout troop declares bankruptcy, forcing the girls to take to the streets, where they will learn the truth about free market economies and equal distribution of wealth.

Friday, 11 p.m. “Friday Night Sighs (oy).” This dramedy follows one Jewish family’s attempts to put aside their disputes for the Sabbath meal on Friday nights. In tonight’s episode, Uncle Herman disrupts the atmosphere by bringing home a Girl Scout he met downtown, without notifying Goldie in advance. So it’s too much trouble to set an extra plate on the table. Later, Sophie locks herself in the bathroom using the pretense of loosening her girdle to avoid helping with the dishes, and Uncle Morry complains about his acid reflux and socialism.

Monday, 9 p.m. “Flee,” the series that takes place in a local high school of the future, following the deconstruction of the federal Department of Education. In this episode, team quarterback Jeff tries to sell illicit drugs to middle school students to raise money for the cheerleaders’ uniforms. Meanwhile, a fight breaks out on the steps of the school over which sounds better when played over the ancient sound system: Barry Manilow or Smashface Pumpkin. The drama teacher tries to calm things down by locking the entire student body in the gym, guarded by fatigue-wearing militia members who got lost on their way to the border.

Thursday, 10 p.m., “Mister Secretary.” This series features the exploits of “America First” proponent Miles Beaverbrook as he travels the world spreading the word of America’s new foreign policy based on the standard multiplication tables and the price of oil. Stars Laura Ingraham, Ingrid Lahrahan and Alfred E. Neuman.

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