If the president owned both major greeting card companies, Hallmark and American, in his spare time between his lawful duties he could create some of the best poetry in the universe. These would be perfect cards for every occasion and compatible with any perfect phone call.

Bob Kalish observes life from a placid place on the island of Arrowsic (motto: You’re not in Georgetown yet). You can reach him at [email protected]

“These are the best cards ever made,” the president would presumably say at a news conference announcing the acquisition of the greeting card giants, adding that he’s been studying short literature (nothing more than one paragraph), under the tutelage of Dr. Slats Grobnik of Ukraine Junior College.

The verses written by the president “are the best there ever was (were),” Dr. Grobnik would comment. “The president has worked long and hard late at night in the West Wing and has come up with the perfect – I mean perfect – greetings for any occasion.

“They’re representative of the new American way and reflect a new way of thinking. In fact, our new motto will be: ‘Make America Grate Again.’”

Here are a few examples of the president’s imaginative creative process, which market tests would show scored higher than any – any – member of Mensa. And he would do it all with one set of colored pencils, representing the diversity of his following.

General greeting

Roses are red, violets are bluer

Compared to me, you’re a fat loser

Confirmation

Congratulations on your confirmation

I hope you like the church

For me, I can draw more people

In a rally, without leaving my perch

Christmas I

(“Happy Holidays” no longer needed as we get back to when America was already great for some of us.)

So now we celebrate the Prince of Peace

We honor those who mark His passing

To me He was just a tease

But some see Him as a blessing

Christmas II 

Merry Christmas to you

Have a wonderful time

It may be your last

Or is that too sublime?

Easter

Whew, three days in that cave

Who else could have done it?

I’m the best cave sitter

Since whatchamacallit

Hanukkah

A small group of Jews

Beat a large group of Romans

With odds like that

You get the afikomen

Passover

So the Angel of Death

Passed over our house

We’d made a deal

Say, what’s under her blouse?

General I

There once was a man who made money

While bullying those he thought funny

Then came the election

Without an objection

They ate it up like it was honey

General II

People say I’m despicable

But my win was inexplicable

So suck up the loss, I’m still the boss

High crimes and misdemeanors ain’t punishable

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