I’m tired of Edgar Allen Beem attacking Donald Trump. Recent events, particularly the president’s heroically bursting from the bunker to show us his Good Book and subsequently warn us of the existential threat antifa, have left no doubt that Donald Trump is indeed our Beloved Leader: Beloved Leader Trump, or as we fondly refer to him, BLT.

If my father were alive today, I’d have to sit him down and say, “Daddy, you did a bad thing. You were antifa when you fought Germany in WWII. BLT says you were a terrorist. I’m ashamed of you.” I would have explained that antifa began in 1930s Germany to unfairly oppose the Nazis, hurting many feelings. In the ’40s our government realized that anti-fascism might be bad as it began to target Spanish Civil War veterans returning to this country, labeling them as “prematurely anti-fascist.” Many American men still suffer from this condition and now it is widely recognized as being not good. I’d tell him that, following the unfortunate little incident at the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, in 2017, BLT proclaimed that many fascists and white supremacists are “very fine people.” Being very fine is one reason why they recognize their own supremacy. This is only natural.

Similarly, many old-time Nazis were very fine, and maybe we shouldn’t have overreacted to the slight overzealousness of their Third Reich experiment. If we hadn’t, we’d be better off today, driving around in fuel-efficient Volkswagons, wearing lederhosen and celebrating Oktoberfest. We could have been happy, Schuhplattling, lager-loving Americans, gleefully singing the old Oktoberfest favorite, “Fascists Just Want to Have Fun.”

Alas, it was not to be. That is, until now. Thanks to BLT we have a second chance to fulfill this destiny. And Beem shouldn’t be free to be mean to us. Stop him, please.

Ken Weston