Satire alert: Since yesterday was April Fool’s Day and Easter is two days away, it seemed right, somehow, to craft an imaginary piece in which Donald Trump apologizes for all his past sins.

Dear God (and America),

Since Easter is coming up, which my white evangelical Christian supporters tell me is a big deal in their religion, I thought it was time to come clean and apologize for the life I’ve lived and the presidency I held. Maybe I can still get into Heaven since that other place down there is too hot for someone with a small weight problem.

First, I ask forgiveness from all the women I’ve abused in my life. When I was younger and richer and thinner, I could get away with that macho stuff most of the time. It’s tougher now that I’m older and heavier. Sadly, the “chick magnet” label no longer fits. Plus, I can’t afford to hire any more lawyers to defend me. By the way, thank God Jeffrey Epstein died; if he hadn’t, I might have had some explaining to do.

Next, I apologize to Mike Pence, my loyal Vice President, for siccing my supporters on him on January 6th. Mike did what he was supposed to do by always praising me, and then after he refused to overthrow the election, I threw him under the bus and almost into the hangman’s noose. I get why Mike is upset with me, although he could have done me that one last favor.

And then there are all the contractors I didn’t pay for services they provided and the towns I duped when getting tax breaks for my properties. Maybe that wasn’t fair, although it seemed smart at the time. I admit that I hate it when people stiff me.

And then there’s the time I questioned the birthplace of Barack Obama. That was a cheap shot, although it did bring out the racist vote, which helped me get elected. Come to think of it, I haven’t been very nice to Americans who aren’t white or Christian.

And I’m sorry for all the people who spent thousands of their hard-earned dollars paying for courses and workshops at Trump University. P.T. Barnum was right when he said there’s a sucker born every minute. In my defense, no one forced those people to sign up.

And then there are all the people who gave their money to the Trump Foundation, thinking that they were doing something good for the world. Well, they did something good for me and my family, but the spoilsport government shut down the Foundation.

I suppose I should apologize to all those white Christian evangelicals for pretending that I was one of their own, even though I never went to church or took Christianity seriously. Hell, I don’t even know how to hold the Bible right side up. But if I hadn’t roped those Christians in, I wouldn’t have gotten elected.

I apologize to all the golfers of the world for, how can I put this delicately, taking liberties on the golf course. Rick Reilly rightly called me out in his book, “Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump.”

I apologize to all my kids for not being the best father in the world, cheating on their mothers and all. In fairness, I did teach the oldest three kids (Ivanka, Donald and Eric) a lot about doing whatever it takes to make money and not let legal niceties get in the way. And I feel bad for basically ignoring my daughter Tiffany and my youngest kid Baron.

Oh, and then there’s my niece Mary Trump who wrote that tell-all book, “Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man.” I have to admit that Mary had my number, but don’t feel too sorry for her. She got rich writing that book. Sorry I stiffed your father, Mary.

As everyone knows, I’ve had Georgia on my mind for the past few months, but not in a good way. I should have just bowed out gracefully and not badmouthed all those Republican election officials, but I just got carried away like I often do. Sorry, guys.

That whole Capitol invasion thing on January 6th didn’t work out the way I planned. I thought my loyal supporters would just walk into the Capitol, wave their guns around and make things right by overturning the election.

But some of them got carried away and I hear that some people died, and no one feels good about that. I still think that Antifa was involved somehow, but the investigation should clear things up.

And then there’s the whole COVID nuisance. I honestly thought it was a hoax or that it would just fade away. Guess I was wrong. A few people died who might have lived if I’d dealt with the situation more forcefully, like I do with people who don’t like me. Anyway, I wish I had a do-over for all that virus stuff.

Finally, I must make amends to all members off the news media who I kept calling “Fake News.” They were just doing their job; I was just doing what I needed to do to keep my loyal voters fired up. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, I guess. Maybe they’ll even write a favorable piece about me for writing this letter of apology, but I won’t hold my breath. We’ll see what happens.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few things, but I’m getting tired. I have to go to bed, because I have an early tee time in the morning.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump
Your Favorite President

David Treadwell, a Brunswick writer, welcomes commentary and suggestions for future “Just a Little Old” columns. dtreadw575@aol.com. 

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