Welcome to our country, land of the free! We are so glad you have decided to join us. I know there’s a lot to get used to.

First, you’ll want to stock up on lots of guns. Be sure to keep them in every room of your house, and on your hip. Handgun, shotgun and AK-47 comprise the essential starter pack.

One of the important things to remember about living in a place of freedom is that, at any time, you should be prepared to draw your weapon. Trip to the local shopping mall to buy back-to-school clothes for your children? Better be packing. Coffee with the in-laws at that cute little café downtown? I’ll take my cappuccino with concealed carry, thank you very much. Church on Sunday morning? In Glock We Trust!

When you send your kids to school, don’t worry. Once inside, doors are locked and barricaded. Children pass through metal detectors, wear clear backpacks and get daily pat-downs. They’ll have routine drills for active shooters, bombers and arsonists.

Visitors must check in, show identification and smile for the security camera. If you want to drop off cupcakes for a birthday party, or if little Sophie forgot her homework, remember that we recently installed a 20-foot fence around the perimeter. Don’t try scaling it; guards with bulletproof vests will escort you through the gates.

Gosh, that fence looks good. The man who designed the local penitentiary offered up his designs. Frank is so thoughtful.


I also want to stress that teachers have been trained in hand-to-hand combat. We chose to dip into the funds normally reserved for crayons, construction paper and building blocks to purchase pistols, ninja stars and a few small hand grenades for our amazing educators.

They spent their summer vacation in special ops training and, in lieu of the traditional end-of-summer barbeque, they convened for an obstacle course challenge consisting of barbed wire crawls and getaway bus driving. Well done, school board.

You should also know that instead of the customary coffee mug filled with sweets for Teacher Appreciation Day, we’re taking up a collection for poison-filled pencils. One quick jab into an aorta and that intruder will know he messed with the wrong master’s degree professional!

Rest assured, your children will receive a top-notch education. In between lessons about barnyard animals (cows go moo; horses go neigh) and geography (U.S.A. good; non-U.S.A. bad), your children will learn all about personal safety – how to hide under a desk, how to cover themselves with blood and how to be really, really quiet.

At home, you’re going to want to model good behavior for your kids, so be proactive about installing security cameras outside all entrances to your house and inside every room in your house. We’ve found that rigging up some defenses for burglary attempts is essential. I’d recommend steel bars on bedroom windows and a panic room where you can stash the loot of your panic-buying shopping sprees.

You are going to absolutely love life here. I go to bed each night feeling peaceful and safe.

Oh, that reminds me, you do have a safe, right? For jewelry, legal documents, bazookas?

You do? OK, phew.

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