I feel left out.

I feel like the world has just zoomed right by me. Here I am with my savings still invested in dollars, or ridiculously boring bonds, and everyone else is getting rich by investing in secure and anonymous digital currency: bitcoin, ethereum, Tether, USD Coin – the list goes on and on. I don’t even know how to buy one or some.

I’ve thought about trying to mine some cryptocurrency to get in on the market. Then I found out that not only do you need banks of really expensive computers to do so, these computers use huge amounts of electricity. I have solar panels on my barn and I’ll be darned if I am going to squander all of my clean electricity trying to find some magic mathematical equation that turns into a bitcoin.

So, I have decided to establish an environmentally friendly crypto currency that will be secure, severely limited in quantity and hack proof. I am going to call it shtcoin.

The currency is going to be based on how many poops our dogs take in our yard per day. We have a French bulldog who weighs 27 pounds and a cane corso who weighs 125 pounds. As you can imagine, the volume varies quite a bit by dog. I am going to value the French bulldog’s poops at 1 shtcoin and the cane corso’s at 5 shtcoin. I will be start selling this crypto currency at $100 per coin. I figure that my dogs take around two poops per day in the yard, so that would be 2 shtcoin for Teddy and 10 shtcoin for Aldo, per day. Now, I do take them for a walk every morning and I am not sure what to do about the poops that occur outside of the yard. Do they count? Will it threaten the security and anonymous nature of this cryptocurrency? I haven’t decided yet.

I am planning to keep the official ledger on a completely secure legal pad that I will keep locked up. Or on the kitchen counter.

It is not connected to the internet, it is not digital thus not susceptible to hacking, power outages, magnetic storms or an electro magnetic pulse. I am thinking that people will probably want some sort of proof that they own whatever number of shtcoin that they buy, so I am going to use plastic poker chips. These super secure poker chips will have a top secret invisible code embedded in them that is unique to each buyer. They are so top secret that even I don’t know what it is – in the event I get kidnapped and tortured I would not be able to reveal the master code behind all of shtcoin poker chips.

Of course, the real money will be made on the secondary market, when people start trading their poker chips. I am predicting the value will skyrocket from the issuing price of $100 to well over $1,000. I encourage you to cash out your 401(k) or any other savings you might have to invest in this super stable, environmentally friendly, local cryptocurrency.

I’ve already decided that when it hits $500 per coin, I’m getting another dog. Subscriptions to shtcoin2 will start next summer. Get in early, don’t miss the boat.

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