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David Tyree: Ready for history’s Valentine Hall of Shame?

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Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Not everyone does Valentine’s Day well.

A significant number of people are too unromantic, lazy, cheap or unimaginative to make the best of the occasion.

Don’t despair if you fall into one of those categories. Some of the most prominent people in history have been romantic duds. For instance…

Philosopher René Descartes, who declared, “I think, therefore I am going to break up with her before I have to buy a Valentine’s Day gift.”

King Arthur, who fumed, “Isn’t it enough that I splurged for a round table? I draw the line at using sissified coasters on it!”

Library reformer Melvil Dewey, who invariably told women he met in bars, “No, don’t give me your number. I’ll assign you one.”

Economist Adam Smith, who confessed, “Nations have wealth, but I’m tapped out. Let’s go Dutch treat for Valentine dinner.”

Charles Dickens, who had lots of time to reconsider his critique, “It was the best of kisses, it was the worst of kisses…”

Renaissance polymath Nicolaus Copernicus, who blundered into pointing out, “The world really doesn’t revolve around you, dear. I can prove it…”

P.T. Barnum, who proclaimed, “There’s a younger trophy wife born every minute.”

Painter Salvador Dali, who made the excuse, “Sorry I’m late for our date, but have you seen this piece of crap watch that some guy on the corner sold me?”

George Washington, who beamed, “I cannot tell a lie. That dress does make you look fat. Whoa – put down that hatchet!”

Leonardo da Vinci, who delivered the regrettable greeting, “Enigmatic smile – or just gas? Let me guess! Let me guess!”

Pres. Herbert Hoover, who bullied, “There! A chicken in every pot! Now start cooking, woman!”

Winston Churchill, who proclaimed, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. So, if you’re looking for a bouquet, you’re up the Thames without a paddle.”

Marc Antony, who explained, “Friends. Romans. Countrymen. I could have sworn I told you that all of them are tagging along on our date.”

The captain of the Titanic, who snapped, “Putting the toilet seat down? Yes, I prioritize that right after rearranging the deck chairs.”

Russian tsar Peter the Great, who reminded his date, “I’m Peter the Great and you’re Arm Candy the Adequate.”

Physicist Erwin Schrodinger, who told his significant other, “The chocolates in this box – I have both saved them just for you AND eaten them all. Gimme a quantum kiss.”

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who exclaimed, “If whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger, I ought to be freakin’ Superman after paying for that stretch limo!”

J.R.R. Tolkien, who made the excuse, “My knee hurts too much, and who cares about a ring, anyway?”

Martin Luther, who encouraged his date to be uninhibited and “Dance like nobody’s posting negative reviews of it on the church door.”

Benjamin Franklin, who groused, “Who really needs a candlelit dinner? Here, hold this kite string.”

Karl Marx, who mansplained, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. Wait, do you really need another pair of pumps?”

Try your best to have a fun Valentine’s Day. Think positive thoughts, rather than dwelling on poor Galileo Galilei, who gushed, “I dropped everything to be with you tonight. Unfortunately, I dropped it off the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa without yelling, ‘Look out below!’”

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

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