Chris Neuguth is a stand-up comedian based in Portland. He’s a regular at Empire Comedy Club and was a finalist in the 2023 New England’s Funniest Comedian contest. He’ll perform during the Portland Maine Comedy Festival, scheduled for Sept. 5-8 at venues all over the city.

My perfect day in Maine begins at 6 a.m., when I get out of bed and walk to the back porch to catch a glimpse of the sunrise over the Eastern Promenade. I behold the breathtaking scenery and say to myself, “Wow, I can’t believe I get to live here.” Then, I immediately go back to bed and sleep for another five hours. I’m not a morning person.

Once the clock strikes 11 a.m., I get out of bed for real this time and climb up Munjoy Hill to Double Great for an iced latte. Whole milk. I’m viciously lactose intolerant, but that’s how I start my day because pressure makes diamonds. I bop over to Belleville for the best croissants in town, then go back down the hill to sit at the Prom in disbelief that I actually live here.

Chocolate croissants at Belleville. Photo courtesy of Belleville

After my breakfast, I drive to Higgins Beach (in Scarborough). This beach has a special place in my heart. I taught myself how to surf at Higgins. Anyone can learn, by the way, you don’t need to hire someone to teach you. Surfing is a lot like stand-up comedy; you just have to do it, keep doing it and accept that you’re going to suck at it for a little bit. Well, for a while. A really long time, actually, years and years. Surfing is easier than stand-up comedy, but you get the analogy, right? It’s MY perfect day, and on my perfect day, you get my ham-fisted analogies.

Learning to surf at Higgins Beach is something like learning to do stand-up comedy, says a local surfer/comedian. Sofia Aldinio/ Staff Photographer

I haven’t caught a wave in 30 minutes, so I load up the car and realize I am starving. I drive over to Crispy Gai, my favorite restaurant in Portland, and I go nuts ordering a smorgasbord of delicious dishes. Their Sichuan wings that make your mouth numb, Kanom Gui Chai chive cakes, and a plate of Pad See Ew. Pad See Ew? More like Pad See Yum, am I right, folks?

No one laughed at my Pad See Ew joke, and I decide I want to keep bombing, so I make my way to Cheese Louise for the open mic. An open mic on my perfect day in Maine? Absolutely. Some nights, the open mic is absolutely packed: full list of comics, full room of audiences enjoying what this scene has to offer. Other nights, there’s maybe three comics and two audience members that immediately leave when they see an open mic-er dressed as a pirate on stage. But either way, I’m having fun.

Finally, I close down the open mic and make my way over to Empire Comedy Club to do a spot. I’m still hungry, so I ordered some chili crisp noodles and General Tso’s Bao Buns for dinner (from Empire Chinese Kitchen). I have a killer set, because this is my perfect day and a boy can dream.

Empire Chinese Kitchen, also home to Empire Comedy Club, on Congress Street in Portland. Derek Davis/Staff Photographer