President-elect Donald Trump is assembling the leadership team for his new administration. As a public service, I’m offering tips for getting nominated to join his cast of amazing leaders.

First of all, don’t enter this process for gauzy patriotic reasons like, “I want to serve my country.” Or “I want to protect the Constitution.” Or “I believe in democracy.” Your mission is not to serve the United States. It is to serve Donald Trump. Case closed. Full stop. Period.

Given that clear mission, you must first pass the loyalty test. Confirm that Donald Trump, not Joe Biden, won the 2020 election. Declare that the Jan. 6 event was a patriotic demonstration, not an insurrection; echo Trump’s belief that everyone charged or incarcerated for Jan. 6 should be pardoned. Agree that every member of the House Select Committee on the Jan. 6 event should be jailed for trying to bring down a fine man, President Trump. Swear that Trump never committed any felonies, not one. Rather, this was just the dirty work of the Deep State trying to bring him down.

Declare that any bad stories about Trump are “fake news.” For example, agree with Trump’s claim that he never assaulted a single woman, not one. Defend him by saying that all the women who have accused him are just attention-seeking hussies seeking a payoff. Swear that Trump University and the Trump Foundation were noble enterprises and shouldn’t have been sued. State that contractors and towns that claimed Trump stiffed them are just lying. You get the drift, Trump is above reproach, and thank God he’s back in office.

Speaking of God … to join Trump’s team you should claim to be a Christian like Trump and House Speaker Mike Johnson and the hardcore MAGA base. They “know” that God is on Trump’s side; that He wanted Trump to be President so he could bring America back to greatness and prayer back to the schools. You don’t have to act like a real Christian, which is hard to do, and you don’t have to be all wimpy and woke. Just wave your Bible around and put Praise God and Love Trump bumper stickers on your car and you’ll be fine in the eyes of Trump and his MAGA minions.

By the way, don’t sweat it if you have some sleazy stuff in your background, a weakness for booze, say, or a bad history with women. And don’t worry about being qualified for the position in question. Just consider the case of Pete Hegseth, Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Defense. Sure, he’s a known boozer and he drove two small nonprofits into the ground. Even his mother berated him for being awful to women. No problem. Hegseth looks good (when sober), he’s a Fox News reporter and he’s been in the military. What’s not to like if Trump wants him? As the song goes, “Stand by your man,” and your man must always and ever be Donald J. Trump.

By the way, don’t worry if your values conflict with the values of the position you’re seeking. Consider Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., the nominee for Secretary for the Department of Health and Human Services. Kennedy is a vaccine critic; moreover, one of his advisers even wants to get rid of the polio vaccine requirement. Incidentally, RFK Jr. fits nicely into the sleazy-with-women mold, It has been reported that at one point RFK Jr. kept a record of two dozen sexual interactions for which he rated each woman on a 1-10 scale.

If you hate the mission of a particular department or organization, then it’s okay to want to take it over so you can dismantle it. That’s the goal of Kash Patel, Trump’s choice for FBI Director. Patel has denigrated tens of thousands of FBI workers and created an “enemies list.” In an interview on the “Shawn Ryan Show,” Patel vowed to sever the FBI’s intelligence-gathering activities from the rest of its mission and said he would “shut down” the bureau’s headquarters building on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C. and “reopen it the next day as a museum of the ‘deep state.’”

Tulsi Gabbard, Trump’s choice for Director of National Intelligence shares Trump’s tendency to speak favorably of Putin and other thugs like the just deposed Syrian dictator, Bashar al Assad. Apparently, some of our allies are worried that Tulsi Gabbard would be untrustworthy given her inclination to cozy up to dictators. Ah, but that’s a mere bagatelle, a trifling drawback in Trump’s eyes since Gabbard is a very attractive woman who’s 100 percent loyal to him. Whatever Trump wants, Trump gets, right?

Ooh la la…bagatelle, a French word. That reminds me of another successful Trump pick: Charles Kushner for Ambassador to France. Charles Kushner is the father of Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law. His past is, er, less than pristine. Trump pardoned him of preparing false tax returns, retaliating against a cooperating witness and making false statements to the Federal Election Commission.

Remember that family matters to Trump almost as much as money does. He named Kimberly Guilfoyle, his oldest son’s about-to-be ex-fiancee, to the position of Ambassador to Greece, leaving Don, Jr. free to continue his dalliances with socialite Bettina Anderson. Don, Jr. claims that he and Guilfoyle had an “amicable split.”

If you believe the “amicable split” claim, then you’ll believe that Trump will fulfill his loud campaign promise to bring down prices in the grocery store. Inflation was a major reason he got elected according to many political observers. Oops — he’s already admitted to a Time magazine reporter that bringing down grocery prices will be a very hard thing to do. Details, details.

What’s not hard to do is figure out Trump’s real modus operandi. He wants to get revenge on his political opponents. As important, his picks to date reflect his desire to reward a team of oligarchs, wealthy people who helped fund his political campaign. Elon Musk (Dept. of Gov. Efficiency); Vivek Ramaswamy (Dept. of Gov. Efficiency); Howard Lutnick (Commerce Secretary); Linda McMahon (Dept. of Education Secretary); Doug Burgum (Interior Secretary); Kelly Loefer (SBA); and Jared Isaacman (NASA Admin.) all have reported net worth in the billions. It seems that Trump’s main goal isn’t to reduce the price of bacon; it is to cut more taxes for the wealthy and eliminate more regulations on corporations.

Sadly, if you’re not a billionaire, you probably can’t join Trump’s team at this point. But there’s still hope. Trump has launched a line of cologne and perfume entitled, “Fight, Fight, Fight.” The cost is a mere $199 a bottle. Maybe you could gain Trump’s attention by hiring a team of people to go door-to-door selling the cologne and perfume to the millions of Americans who voted for him in November. After all, they’re still buying whatever he sells.

David Treadwell, a Brunswick writer, welcomes commentary and suggestions for future “Just a Little Old” columns at dtreadw575@aol.com.