You understand a big reason why Gov. LePage won re-election, don’t you? The bear-hunting referendum. Let me explain.

If you are running for major office, you want to, six or eight months ahead of time, get your buddies to launch a petition drive to get a question on the ballot at the same election that will get people out who think like you do.

It proved true. Exit polls showed that most of the people who voted to allow “bear-baiting” to continue also voted for Gov. LePage.

Brilliant politics by a brilliant politician, Mr. LePage (I did not vote for him, but the guy can count).

I plan to adopt this strategy for my own campaign for governor, or U.S. Senate, or president (I have not decided yet which to run for; probably the one that will irritate the three teenagers in my house the most).

If I do run, I am already talking with my golfing buddies about getting petition signatures (alright, hiring college kids to do it for them) to get certain referendum questions on the ballot to help me win.

Here are a few ideas. Let me know what you think:

MALE PATTERN BALDNESS REFERENDUM

For me to win, I got to get a bunch of middle-aged white males out to vote for me. What better way than to have an item on the ballot about male pattern baldness.

How about ‘Shall an act to provide for full tax deductions for all over-the-counter hair aids, or toupees, or hair salon expenses purchased by, and benefiting, males older than age 25 be passed into Maine law?”

I see a high turnout. I see a big electoral win.

HOSTESS TWINKIE PRESERVATION

I would like to go after the low-key junk food vote hard. Remember that Hostess factory in Biddeford that closed down a year or so ago. I think that would be a great subject of a referendum.

‘Shall an act to give national historic landmark status to any company building that manufactures and sells Twinkies, Ring Dings, and SuzyQs be passed into Maine law, and those said food products be considered vital health components and insurance companies be required to cover the cost of purchase under health plans?”

A winner for sure. The voters would see that I am one of them.

GREATER TAX DEDUCTIONS FOR TEENAGERS

The final referendum question: this one will appeal to anyone who either has teenagers, or has dealt with teenagers. (And if you have none, get out of my room! Don’t talk to me! I hate you!).

“Shall an act to provide for tax deductions for all expenses associated with raising teenaged children in a household be passed into Maine law and the amount of the deduction be quadrupled for those households with two teenagers, and increased ten-fold for households with at least three teenagers?”

That is it for now. I feel a big political landslide coming on.

But for now, have a Twinkie, google Donald Trump to learn how to do a cheap “combover,” and, I SAID get out of my room! And, oh, can I borrow the car?

Dan Warren is a Scarborough lawyer who can be reached through private Facebook message at the Jones & Warren Attorneys at Law page, or by email at [email protected].