DEAR HARRIETTE: I come from a large family, and I am the baby. I was born many years after most of my siblings. I was the “surprise” child, so to speak. I didn’t get to know my siblings much because most of them had moved away before I was in elementary school.

Now that I have done pretty well in my career, a few of my siblings have started to call to ask me for things. At first it was great to connect, since we are all adults, and I would like to know my siblings. But then it became a little too common, and they would call only when they needed money. I am happy to help my family, even if I don’t know them all that well. But I don’t like feeling that I am the family bank, and the only time they come around is to get money. How can I build a relationship with them without the promise of a payday? – Cashed Out, Denver

DEAR CASHED OUT: Be upfront with your family members. When they reach out to you, tell them how happy you are to get to know them now that you are all adults. Suggest that you get together one-on-one or even as a family reunion. Express your joy at this new fellowship you are creating. But also draw the line.

When asked for money, define the amount you’re comfortable sharing. Tell them that you are happy to give up to a point, but you are unable to give any more than that. Explain that you are working within a budget and that you do not have any more money in your budget to give to them.

Recently, I interviewed financial expert Patrice Washington (realmoneyanswers.com), who says, “No means no” when it comes to what you tell family members when you have no more money. When you are able to say that, you create financial freedom for yourself and introduce a new dynamic in which to engage your family and loved ones.

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DEAR HARRIETTE: I just realized that one of my clients is my college exboyfriend’s best buddy. They used to hang tough in college, and we were friends. My boyfriend and I broke up in a horrible way. He beat me up, and it got ugly. We parted ways years ago, and I don’t really think about him much these days. When I saw this guy, all of the old memories flooded back in. Do I bring this memory up to the guy, or just leave the past in the past? – Shaken, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SHAKEN: Stay focused on the work you are doing in this moment. Steer clear of memories of the past. Feel no compulsion to bring up the sordid details of your history, as it will likely only bring you discomfort again. If your client chooses to mention your old boyfriend, you can listen to what he has to say and move on, or interrupt him and tell him you would rather not think about him and that you would be happy instead to work hard to complete the job you are working on with him.

— Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.