DEAR HARRIETTE: My company’s etiquette coach told me that when we go to a restaurant, we should tip our waiter before we order our food to insure proper service. I would like some clarity on this scenario. – Fine dining, Manhattan, New York

DEAR FINE DINING: I’m thinking that your company’s etiquette coach is referring to the maitre d’ of a fine-dining restaurant, who is essentially the person managing the floor of the restaurant during the meal. Historically, it was common for guests who wanted extraspecial service to tip the maitre d’ anywhere from $50 to $100 in advance of the meal to ensure preferential treatment.

I honestly do not think this is necessary in most restaurants these days. If you go to a good restaurant and establish a friendly rapport with the maitre d’ and your server, you should be afforded fine service. If you are hosting dignitaries or even a large group of people and you want to make sure the dining experience is as smooth as possible, you may want to have a side conversation with your server and ask him or her to ensure that all goes well. That’s when a tip can come in handy.

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DEAR HARRIETTE: I wrote a book a few years ago and gave an autographed copy to a lovely woman I met around that same time. She seemed to be happy to receive it. But then I was at a used bookstore the other day and came upon the exact copy I had given to her – with the personalized message, up for sale to whoever might want it. This really hurt my feelings. I understand that I may not be the best author in the world, but I inscribed the book to this woman and really took my time to make it special for her. Should I say anything to her about it? I see her from time to time. We aren’t friends, but occasionally we find ourselves in the same circles. – Hurt Feelings, Denver

DEAR HURT FEELINGS: As hard as it may seem right now, what you need to do is let this go. The woman received your book from you, hopefully as you intended. But clearly she had no more use for it. Rather than throwing it away, she gave it to a place that could repurpose it for someone else who may want to read your work. Consider it a blessing that the book remains in rotation. I completely understand how her discarding your sentiment along with your published words could be hurtful, but I strongly recommend that you not linger on that. Instead, focus on the positive – your loving work will continue to flow through the world and hopefully touch someone else positively.

Refrain from telling this woman that you found her autographed copy of your book in a used bookstore. All that will do is stir up feelings of discomfort. No good will come of that. Trust me.

— Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.