DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for eight years. When we married, we both drank and smoked. My husband quit smoking five years ago, and I have continued to smoke off and on. If he catches me with a cigarette it becomes an argument, and it’s either I quit or we’re done!

I love my husband, but I find it difficult to be honest about this. I don’t see the big deal if I smoke a cigarette. He sometimes makes me feel like a teenager hiding it from my parents! Any advice?

— CLOSET SMOKER IN
WISCONSIN

DEAR SMOKER: Surely you know that smoking isn’t good for you, and it upsets your husband because he loves you. This is less about a contest of wills than the fact that you are addicted to nicotine and can’t stop using.

You’re an adult, not a naughty teenager, so stop acting like one. The cigarette is not your friend; your husband is. When you’re finally ready to see it that way and overcome the habit, your physician can help you.

If you won’t do it for yourself, understand that after a former smoker has quit, the smell of secondhand smoke is extremely offensive. Or worse, it can tempt the former smoker to resume. DEAR ABBY: My mom has no respect for my privacy. When something happens in my life, she shares it with all my relatives despite my repeatedly having asked her not to. She has a website where she rehashes nearly every moment of my life spent with my family and posts all of my pictures.

When I mention to her that I would like my privacy respected, she gets upset and calls me ridiculous. I agree that I’m probably demanding more privacy than normal, but I don’t feel she has a right to disseminate information about me if I ask her not to. How can I get her to stop?

— WANTS MY PRIVACY

DEAR WANTS YOUR PRIVACY: Your mother may be posting your pictures and details of your life because she has been doing it for years. If you’re a teenager, please realize that your mom may do this because she’s proud of you. However, if you are an adult and no longer live under her roof, a way to get her to pull back, if not stop completely, would be to share less information with her.

DEAR ABBY: Since I was a teenager I have always had an appreciation of and love for anything vintage. When my mother wasn’t able to sell her white milk-glass items in a rummage sale, I asked if I could please have them to display in an antique china cabinet. My husband and I have admired the pieces, and I love knowing that they were once my mother’s.

My brother, who has never had any interest in vintage items and has a home that looks like a hoarder lives there, wants one of the pieces because of an old picture of him near the piece. I guess he must be feeling nostalgic. Mother feels I should give it to him since he wants it.

I am torn as to why I must part with the piece to just be placed in a box — or worse. We enjoy all of the pieces and I’m feeling selfish. What should I do?

— APPRECIATES
ANYTHING VINTAGE

DEAR A.A.V.: Listen to your mother. The milk glass was hers to begin with. It won’t hurt you to let that one piece go, and the reason your brother would like to have it seems valid. Surely family harmony is as important to you as your glass collection.

Because you are having difficulty letting go, let me help you. One, two, three — GIVE! DEAR ABBY: My problem is my mother-in-law and her abundant use of perfume. The last time she visited, it was so bad we had to open our windows to air out the rooms. (This was in January in Minnesota.)

My husband addressed the problem with her when I was pregnant, but now that the baby is here she’s back to her old habits.

We are all sensitive to perfumes and get headaches when exposed to it. When she visits, we can’t get away from the smell. I don’t wear perfume, but was always told that “perfume is to be discovered, never announced.” However, when I say that around her, she dismisses it.

What’s the proper etiquette in addressing the perfume cloud that surrounds her?

— THE NOSE KNOWS

DEAR NOSE: I receive complaints about perfumes almost daily. Perfume “in abundance” can cause serious allergic reactions in people who are sensitive to it. And when they are exposed to it in enclosed places (elevators, airplanes, houses with storm windows, gymnasiums, etc.), it can cause real problems.

Your mother-in-law should be reminded again that her perfume is causing headaches and asked to please not use it around you. Depending upon how old she is and her sense of smell, she may not realize she is using as much as she is.

Women’s perfumes and men’s after-shave lotions and colognes can also cause problems at the gym. When people who are exercising begin to sweat, the smell can become overpowering and a nuisance to others. Scents that were applied the day before can turn rancid, so a shower before working out would be considerate if this could be you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son, “Billy,” who will be 9 soon. He was conceived through rape by a man who was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive, as well as controlling and manipulative. He threatened to kill me and Billy, but I eventually got free. I have a criminal no-contact order on him, and he has no legal rights to Billy.

I have raised my son without any knowledge of his father. I feel it would be cruel to tell him how he came into the world. My mother disagrees. She thinks it will backfire if and when Billy finds out. She points out that Billy has two half-sisters he doesn’t know about. I don’t like to keep that from him.

I need to protect my son, no matter what. But am I doing the right thing? I sometimes question what is in my son’s best interest and that of our relationship. Please give me some advice.

— LIVING IN THE
PRESENT

DEAR LIVING IN THE PRESENT: I’m surprised your son hasn’t already asked about his father, because surely he must have questions. When Billy asks, he should be told some of the truth in an age-appropriate way. He does not need to know about the rape, but he should know that his father was violent, so for your safety and his, the courts decided Billy’s father should not be in contact with the two of you. Billy should also be told that until he is an adult it will have to remain that way.

When he’s older, he can be told that there are half-siblings. (I agree with your mother on that.) While you can’t protect your son forever, you can keep him safe until he’s old enough to process the information.

Write Dear Abby at
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Box 69440, Los Angeles,
CA 90069.

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