I am here on a federal grant from the national Department of Mental Health. My job, funded by a Congressional earmark appropriation of about $750,000, I think it was, is to acquire as much Christmas/holiday music as possible, listen to it, critique it, recommend, and play it endlessly – in public at events where I can bring a boom box; in my vehicle with the windows open a bit; at home; in my office; and anywhere else.

I have Christmas CDs. I have cassette tapes. I even know a person who still has eight-track tapes with Christmas music. This same person has a lime green leisure suit from the l970s. He also struggles with male pattern baldness (and often wears a Santa hat to cover up).

He has asked me to solicit advice from professionals and all others to help him with these things – especially the leisure suit thing.

My business partner in a Christmas music business venture I have just decided to start up is Bernie Madoff, a New York City investor. You may have heard of him. Just give him your money, he will invest it, and everything will be fine. He will be in touch.

Similar approach I have with Christmas music. Over the years, people have given me dozens and dozens of record albums, cassette tapes, CDs etc… with Christmas music on them (it is the same way with those Santa Clause pins with the strings you pull, and the nose lights up. Show you have one, and many people will always be on the look out for others. They will buy one and give it to you).

I have every conceivable type of Christmas music.

Johnny Mathis.

Nat King Cole.

Punk Rock Christmas.

Gloria Estefan.

Barry Manilow.

Michael McDonald of the Doobie Brothers.

Frank Sinatra.

Wayne Newton (sorry!).

Brittney Spears (sorry again!).

I repeat – I have every type of Christmas music, artist, genre, song you can imagine.

George Jones?

Check.

America?

Check (I am serious – think of Jingle Bells sounding just like “Horse With No Name.”)

Merle Haggard?

Please, you aren’t paying attention. I said I had it all.

Karen and Richard Carpenter.

I am getting up set now-of course I do!

The Supremes?

Go sit in the corner in the timeout chair.

A woman in her 80s recently told me she had been listening to a radio station that plays all Christmas music, all the time. She was unable to change the station.

“Boy, did I get sick of it?”

I said really?

She said, “Well, wouldn’t you?!”

Answer: no.

To paraphrase President Bush: “Bring it on.”

Any singer. Any song. Any collection. Any version of Chestnuts Roasting. It’s all good.

Christmas music has a purpose. It is to remind us it a season to slow down, appreciate, say hi to people, do something for someone that is not required, be nice to your family, including relatives who do not live in your home.

Okay, the last part you don’t have to do. That is for people who have lived their lives in such a way that they get to the end and realize that, unless they invite cousins, uncles and in-laws to their home for intimate gatherings, they stand little chance of getting into Heaven.

As a public service, I now list the 10 Greatest Christmas Carols of all time. I have researched this. I have listened carefully to thousands and thousands of holiday songs, and countless versions of those songs (Marshmallow World by Darlene Love, yes; Marshmallow World by Randy Travis, pass). There is no need to think about it any longer. Just robotically accept this list.

In the alternative, send your list to P.O. Box 1 Scarboro 04070. Best submission wins a prize.

(Incidentally, people answering the trivia questions correctly last month about Jim Doane’s track exploits; about Mike McGovern’s middle name; and the name of Route 1 before it was Route 1, will get either a 2008 Official Scarborough Historical Christmas ornament – featuring Higgins Beach Inn, 85 years old! A $l4.95 value! Available through Libby Mitchell Legion Post 76 baseball team at 883-4l67 or at Shirley’s Hallmark, or artwork from one of my kids; pray for the bulb!).

Top 10 Christmas songs of all time:

1) “Christmastime is Here” – the Charlie Brown TV special song;

2) “Marshmallow World” – Motown Phil Spector produced version; ouch!

3) “Wonderful Christmastime” – Sir Paul McCartney (extra points for a song sung by someone who has been knighted);

4) “Christmas in Dixie” – Alabama, a W and W Christmas, an acquired taste;

5) “Don’t Save It All For Christmas Day” – Celine Dion; the woman has some pipes;

6) “Christmas Night in Harlem” – Louis Armstrong;

7) “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” – James Taylor version; honorable mention to Judy Garland version;

8) “My Christmas” – Toni Toni Toni – original, hip hop; try it, really!

9) “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” – Dwight Yoakam; C and W people can actually sing;

10) “My Only Wish This Year” – Brittney Spears – sorry! Again! Sorry! I tried to knock it off the list; honest! It is like eating Cool Whip, fun, though probably not good for you;

Honorable Mention:

“Fairy Tale of New York” – the Pogues; “Pretty Paper” – Randy Travis; “Chestnuts Roasting” – Johnny Mathis – Hi, Mom!;

“Thank You for Christmas” – XTC (Seattle garage band; am I worldly, or what?!); “White Christmas” – Bing Crosby, need to get that older demographic back in my readership!;

“Let it Snow” – Stephen Bishop, butter; “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” – Judy Collins, she sings it in Maine each year, so that’s kind of not fair, I guess, influencing the judges etc; “Christmastime” – The Smashing Pumpkins; “I Want to See Santa” – the Beach Boys (great CD, by the way);

“Sleigh Ride” – Tommy Dorsey Big Band, hi, Grandpa!

That’s all, folks.

Happy holidays.

God Bless us One and All

(Next week – Best Christmas TV specials and movies of all time – just kidding!).