OK, OK, OK. I know I promised, but I can’t help it today, I really can’t.

I was NOT going to write another sports-related column here – and then defend it to you by saying, sports actually has many life lessons in it, and actually is a metaphor for events in the universe.

Blah, blah, blah.

But I just came across this rant (by me) from l989 that arose when T-Ball was becoming very, very popular in American yuppie suburbs. I think it still resonates today.

Read it (I have shortened it a bit here).

Hunt me down like a dog and pummel me with a bat, figuratively, if I have wasted your time (This is a suburb; use a Nerf bat so I won’t get hurt).

T-BALL IS A COMMUNIST PLOT. BAN T-BALL NOW!

A great 20th century philosopher – it might have been Walter Lippman, or one of those French guys, or, heck, maybe even some guy sitting on the fourth stool down at your neighborhood pub –once asked the pertinent question here: “Do you think in Japan they put their baseballs on a tee, on a silver platter, so their little kids can be sure and hit it?

“No, of course not!!” In Japan, they compete! In Japan, society tells kids and parents that some things in life are difficult. Some take hard work. They don’t come easy. Hitting a baseball is one of them. Go into the backyard, or down to the school playground. Play catch. Have Mom or Dad pitch to you. Practice! Maybe you will get better. We hope you do! But, hey, maybe you won’t. Baseball is difficult. Just like life. Give it your best shot. If you succeed, great. If you fail, you fail. That too is life. What a nice lesson to teach to a child – try, try, try. Then, learn to accept the consequences. But T-Ball?!! “Arrrggghhh!!!,” as Charlie Brown used to say. T-Ball is a Communist plot!! Ban T-Ball now!

Somewhere, a businessperson in Japan is watching a TV show about the popularity of T-Ball in America and that businessperson is smiling. He or she is smiling because they see T-Ball not just as a little kid’s sports approach. They see it as a reflection of a Western society that is now lagging behind Asian countries in commerce, industry, technological innovation, computers, TV sets, phones, etc. They see it as a byproduct of a society that wants results guaranteed, not just opportunity guaranteed. While Japan teaches their kids to compete, work hard, practice and try to achieve, what do the parents and leaders in the new N. 2 World Power do – put the baseball on a sitting tee so their kids will be sure to hit it!! Arrghh again! We are telling our kids in this setting: “Don’t worry, Johnny. Don’t worry, Suzie. You all will hit the ball. You will succeed (if that is success…). It’s right there in front of you! Boom! The child hits the ball. What reaction occurs in their brain? That “I have achieved something difficult? I have done something worthwhile, Substantial?”

Or that this game of baseball has given me a free ride? What does the future hold? For baseball? For our country? Is this the way to go? Will this system, this mockery of baseball (T-Ball), serve our game well? Our country well? Will it prepare kids for baseball later on? For a career in a competitive field? Pray for us, Heavenly Father! We are giving up. We are dumbing it down. T-Ball is a Communist plot! Ban T-Ball now.

(Written by Dan Warren, Scarborough, Maine, Aug. l9, 1989.)

Dan Warren is a Scarborogh lawyer who can be reached by private Facebook message at the Jones & Warren Attorneys at Law page, or by email at [email protected].