DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends recently came out of the closet at 25. I was so happy for him as he began exploring the gay scene in our city, but my joy has slowly turned into concern. He has entered a promiscuous phase, and I am concerned, not just because of sexually transmitted infections, but also because our local scene, especially as people of color, is not so big.

I really want to support my friend in exploring his newfound freedom, but I worry he may not be going about this in the smartest way. Do you think my concerns are legitimate? If so, how can I talk to him about this without sounding judgmental? Any help would be greatly appreciated. – Drive Slow Homie, Port Chester, New York

DEAR DRIVE SLOW HOMIE: It is hard for people to have perspective when they are caught up in the moment. This means that your friend may not hear you until after the damage is done, but you can try. Ask him to get together. Check in to find out how your friend is doing and where his head is. Remind him of how happy you are for him that he accepted who he is and sought to explore that. Tell him that you are concerned that he is not being responsible to his body or to his reputation by his current behavior. Just go for it. Tell him you know he may get mad, but that you care about him enough to tell him the truth. Suggest that he take a step back to think about what his actions are saying about him and if he believes that the message matches his intention.

• • •

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started going out with this beautiful, intelligent and adventurous woman. Things started out well. However, she has one habit that is becoming a growing concern for me. She seems to have this need to incessantly badmouth her ex.

I understand that breakups can be bad, but this is starting to become more than uncomfortable. I’ve talked to her about this, and she said she would be careful to not talk about him. That lasted about a week. I’m starting to think she’s not really over him, and I would hate to waste my time pursuing something she isn’t ready for. Do you think I should try to press the issue, or do you think it may be time for me to move along? – No Focus, Dallas

DEAR NO FOCUS: The next time your girlfriend utters anything about her ex, jump in and tell her that you don’t want to know any more about him. Stop her, and make it clear that you care a lot about her and want to get to know her better, but that you feel she is stuck on her ex. Ask her to share with you about who she is, her life, beyond her ex. Add that if she feels she is not yet over him, you will step aside until she is ready. Make it clear that there is no room in your relationship for her ex to have an ongoing role.

— Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.