DEAR ABBY: I belong to a group of men who play golf twice a week. After a round of golf, we’ll have a couple of pitchers of beer to relax. We take turns buying the beer for the group, but there is no set rotation. Sometimes you may buy two pitchers, others you don’t buy any.

One member of the group drinks the beer but never buys, even when it’s obvious that he hasn’t after many opportunities. Several of us are upset by his selfishness, and we have made comments to him about it. They roll off him like water off a duck’s back. How do you think we should handle this selfish individual?

—STEP UP TO THE BAR IN TEXAS

DEAR STEP UP: Try this. Hand him the bill and say, “It’s YOUR turn!” But if that doesn’t work, next time make it each man for himself and switch to bottles or glasses.

DEAR ABBY: Every Christmas, my daughter-in-law makes plans with HER family on Christmas Day when they come in from out of town. I cannot remember the last time we had a Christmas Day with our son. We are not even invited over for a cup of coffee. Any suggestions?

— UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS IN NEBRASKA

DEAR UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS: Yes. I think in the interest of fairness, those Christmas Days should alternate — odd years with one set of in-laws, even years with the other. However, if that doesn’t work, an alternative might be to invite everyone — including the other in-laws — to your home. If you haven’t talked to your son and DIL about it, you should.

DEAR ABBY: I am estranged from my sister, whom I love dearly. The reason goes back many years. When I was 13, her husband got me drunk and molested me. While I never forgot, I did repress it — possibly due to my age.

Time went on, I thought I had moved on and life would continue as usual. Well, five years ago the trauma erupted inside of me. My therapist thinks that possibly what triggered it was becoming a grandmother.

I cannot talk to my sister’s husband, let alone look at him. The sight of him makes me physically ill, which is obvious to everyone. Exposing him would devastate my sister, her family and our extended family.

I am praying for guidance and the strength to forgive him, but it’s not working, and neither is therapy. I am now regarded as the “bad guy” and left isolated with no one except my amazing husband. My own kids are skeptical and think I am destroying our family. Advice, Abby?

— SO LOST IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SO LOST: Because keeping quiet and talking to a therapist haven’t helped you, I will suggest another route for healing. Call your family together. Tell them exactly what happened when you were 13 and that you can no longer keep quiet about it.

At the same time, contact a rape crisis center because at 13, even if you were drunk and consented to what your brother-in-law did, you were underage and a victim of statutory rape. If your family accuses you of making this up, invite them to some of your counseling sessions with the rape counselor. With the help of that person, you may be able to help them see the light.

DEAR ABBY: I was a professional musician most of my life and loved every second of it. While I still do production work and an occasional performance, I no longer tour or need the money from the shows.

I own several instruments that are my most prized possessions, and have many precious memories associated with them. They are worth several thousand dollars. I cannot think of anyone to leave them to who might appreciate them.

None of my heirs are musical, and I’m estranged from my only child, a son in his early 40s. If he inherited them, he’d sell them and squander the money before the last chorus. The same is true of my only grandchild.

I’m in my early 60s, healthy, active and don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. But eventually — when I do — I want these most important items to go where they will be played well and appreciated.

— QUARTER NOTE QUANDARY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR Q.N.Q.: How about donating your instruments to a program that keeps music alive in schools with underfunded music programs nationwide? An organization to consider is the Mr. Holland’s Opus Foundation. It gives economically disadvantaged youth access to the benefits of music education, and helps them to be better students and express their emotions and creativity through playing music. The foundation also has a fund called Music Rising that helps school music programs after natural disasters. The website is mhopus.org. If you check it out, I’m sure you will find it interesting.

Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com