FOR MEN ONLY
There was a time when losing your hair was viewed as a shameful thing, like it was a result of eating something you shouldn’t have eaten. Or perhaps you had removed the ticket on the new couch that says “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Federal Law.” Actually, most baldness is the result of genes passed on by the mother. Is there anything we can’t blame on our mothers?

It was a shock to wake up one morning, like I did long ago, using two mirrors and some body contortions, I saw very plainly the pain emanated from a sunburned spot about the size of a half-dollar coin. It took the sun to point out to me that I was going bald. This is when most men in my age bracket were introduced to the comb-over. Baldness escalates along two fronts: the spot on the crown and the hairline receding from the forehead. A baseball cap hides the former; a combover hides the latter. Most of us survive the combover and the funny hats and come to peace with our hairless pate.

But for those poor souls who wouldn’t, let me tell you about Dr. Dominick Brandy, creator of the Brandy Flap, and proprietor of a chain of hair transplant clinics based in Pittsburgh. On a dark and stormy night several decades ago, I received a telephone call from Dr. Brandy’s public relations person, Tricia, to see if I’d be interested in working on a book with the doctor.

“We’d like you to come to Pittsburgh,” Tricia ended her appeal. Being as I never refuse a free trip, I found myself one day having lunch in Pittsburgh—Motto: You shudda been here 20 years ago—at a restaurant overlooking Three Rivers Stadium—Motto: You shudda been here even before that. I was introduced to the family of two brothers, who between the two of them had enough hair to carpet the Astrodome in Houston.

During a tour of the Pittsburgh clinic, I was given a quick summary of the procedure with which Dr. Brandy had become rich and famous: The Brandy Flap. Without going into too much detail, the procedure entails cutting along the semicircle of the hairline from ear to ear. That allows the scalp to be pulled forward so the tell-tail bald spot is now covered from the flap of hairy scalp just repositioned. That’s followed by more conventional hair transplant in the front, where an artistic surgeon can create a hairline that looks natural, if by natural you think hair should look like rows of corn during a drought.

I flew home that night and began writing. My idea was to start by explaining the history of hair and how hair was a vestige from when we swung through the trees with the other apes. I did research, and there was plenty out there about hair, so I loaded up on the facts. After two weeks, I sent it back to Tricia. Days later, I received a note from her with my chapter.

“The doctor doesn’t believe in evolution, so nothing about apes,” it read.

A doctor who didn’t believe in evolution. It was a surprise to me. So, I cut out references to apes and evolution, and no one seemed to notice. The book was titled, “A New Head Start,” and although I was paid my fee, my name does not appear anywhere in the book.

Bob Kalish is a Coastal Journal contributor. He can be reached at [email protected].