OK, boys and girls, today’s lesson is on e-mail, specifically, what Aunt Irene would call “E-mail Etiquette” (aka “The Output of Raw Sewage, Electronically, and the Prevailing Rules of Engagement”).

E-mail is fascinating, the same way some people find eight-car pileups on the turnpike fascinating, or how those Cape kids twirling the little ball in their lacrosse sticks over and over on the roadside on the way to buy Jolt cola at Jonesy’s intrigues some people.

E-mail today in the Yuppie Suburb World reminds me of septic-tank-sewage problems people had in Scarborough and Cape in the l970s.

The building boom was on. Septic systems had “leach fields” around them. The “liquid” produced by/associated with the leach fields would drain downhill (surprise, surprise!). Sometimes, the liquid would go into ponds or lakes nearby.

Rules were needed. The world had to be made safe for $400,000 homes built near what used to be farm irrigation ponds.

This is where we are now with e-mail. It’s a great system for communicating, but just like a sharp kitchen knife, or loaded gun, only if used properly by the citizenry.

As a public service, this column hereby offers these helpful “Rules for E-mail by Suburban Computer Users in Their Cellars or in the Guest Bedroom Upstairs.”

Credentials: I just received my 10-year pin from the E-Mail Black-and-Blue User Institute. Not to brag, but on the Girl-Scout-merit-badge-type sash members receive, I have ribbons or medals for fielding vicious communications from:

• a parent about a kindergarten playground dispute;

• a grandparent about a Scarborough Public Library Harry Potter book check-out misunderstanding by an 8-year-old;

and

• a youth sports parent, anonymous but no doubt well intentioned in 17 different e-mails, concerning a baseball team of 10-year-olds and whether practices had enough base running and fly ball catching, and if not, how this might affect Division One scholarships. (Answer: Effect was bad; I settled the matter by writing a check for $40,000 for first-year tuition to the school the boy’s parents hope he will attend; it seemed like the right thing to do).

E-mail Rule 1

E-mail is best used to confirm things, trade factual information, and help ease administrative details associated with PTA meetings, Chess Club events, or youth sports games or practice dates, especially make-up dates and times.

To wit: “The PTA meeting to discuss how parents can get more involved when a child has missed high honors in three or more courses by two points or less will be held Thursday, Jan. l5, from midnight to 4 a.m. in the high school industrial arts classroom. Light snacks will be provided.”

E-mail Rule 2

Brief follow-ups of earlier meetings or events are handled well by e-mail communication.

For example: “It was so nice of you to invite us to Brittney’s dance recital. I apologize again for not bringing a dozen roses. Sorry! My bad! It was so cute how all the 3-year-olds did those Fenway Park-type “wave” hand and arm motions all together no matter the song. You should be proud of all the effort that surely went into this performance!”

E-mail Rule 3

Broaching matters, or viewpoints, for the first time to an unsuspecting receiver is perhaps not best handled by e-mail. (In certain states, face-to-face communication and telephone conversations are still allowed, especially to deliver bad news. Note: The “custom” in certain neighborhoods in Scarborough and Cape Elizabeth decreeing that bad news or personal attacks be conveyed only through e-mails, preferably written late at night, may not survive a Commerce Clause challenge under the U.S. Constitution – and you know which neighborhoods you are!).

Here is an example of an e-mail no one would ever have to send if they instead had the courage to drive to the houses of people who’d been at the Band Booster meeting earlier in the day:

“I have had a chance to think about things since the Band Booster meeting earlier today. I know I agreed to sell two extra crates of Florida oranges, and I know Mrs. McGillicuddy said she would only be able to sell until Jan. 24, when she is scheduled to go out of town for two weeks.

“But it all strikes me as unfair. My wife and I have discussed this. It is clear that we have done more than any other member of the Boosters over the past four years when Chad and Colby joined the band. The car washes used our hoses. The Memorial Day parade required us to buy $40 in red, white and blue bunting – and we only have two relatives in the cemetery the parade route stopped by; many in the group had three or four loved ones buried there.

“And another thing: I am not saying this just because I am Chad’s father, but I believe it is fair to say he is ‘gifted’ on the tuba. We have been patient this year in the selection of songs; he is clearly not being tested. Mindy and I have had to investigate private tutors to get him where he needs to be by seventh grade – and then at the collegiate level.

“With all that, we must sell extra oranges for this group?

“We are seriously considering resigning. We have contacted a lawyer about recouping certain funds.”

E-mail Rule 4

There is nothing wrong with somebody letting somebody else have it through an anonymous action. But doing or saying things without identifying yourself is perhaps best seen by – oh, I don’t know – 3-year-olds unhappy over crayon distribution at nursery school, or hockey dads unhappy about playing time who then grapple with whose tires to slash in the Expo parking lot.

Here is an example of an e-mail The Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz” would send if he e-mailed (he doesn’t; he texts or IMs only):

“Dear Town Councilor McGillicuddy:

You think you are a big deal. I watch you on cable TV. You make me sick. You want the total focus to be on you? Ha! What a joke! Everybody knows you voted against the school budget because you didn’t get that variance in l987 for the mother-in-law apartment over your garage. The crap you were spewing about accountability, and not wanting all school textbooks rewritten to say that President Clinton was not “long-winded,” but was instead “always eager to offer additional helpful verbal information to the electorate,” or that Vice President Cheney served his country during the Vietnam War by earning wages in the private sector and thereby paying taxes that helped the war effort, had no place at that meeting. How would you like it if you were on the school board and had your every action reviewed by the public endlessly?!”

E-mail Rule 5

No more Reader’s Digest jokes that have been rerouted to me and 73 other people, all of whose e-mail addresses appear in the three screenfuls of type at the beginning of your e-mail. Please. Uncle!

E-mail Rule 6

If you send me any more e mails that have that little preprinted ditty about “The sender has requested a receipt indicating that you received this e-mail,” you will get one back from me that I am working on just now.

“The receiver of this e-mail has requested confirmation that he has told you approximately 20 or 30 times since 2005 that he does not want to purchase Amway items, that he doesn’t have money to do so even if he wanted calendars, or aftershave, or toilet scrubbers, and that your constant e-mail “Hi, Neighbor! Offers” are only about two steps north on the food chain above the suppertime telemarketer calls.”

Deal?

Next Installment

My next e-mail column will feature the 10 best e-mail stories of 2008. Send entries to P.O. Box 1, Scarborough, ME, 04070, or e-mail to: [email protected].

Prizes to the first 10 submissions.

Please e mail me back that you got this notice.

Just kidding!