With the political conventions nearly upon us, Professor Lucius Flatley, the sage of South Gorham, agreed this past week to answer readers’ questions concerning the methods by which political parties choose their candidates for the office of vice president. He was critical of past choices and not at all hopeful about what seems certain to occur this time.

Bonny Eagle High School senior: Who chooses the candidates for vice president?

Flatley: The presidential candidate himself. Obama for the Democrats and McCain for the Republicans will make the decisions. The delegates at the conventions will then rubber stamp the choices.

Gorham businessman: Shouldn’t the president be able to choose someone he likes and trusts?

Flatley: Politics is like show business – affection between performers is not a consideration for a successful act. And what about the convention delegates who are supposed to make the choice? Are they chopped liver?

Westbrook pastor: If they are not chosen for personal ties, what criteria are used?

Flatley: Only one criterion. VP candidates are selected for electoral college advantage. Their ability to be president is not even on the table. Barry Goldwater, one of history’s more honest candidates, once said, “Vice president candidates are chosen to get votes.” Their qualifications to be president are ignored in favor of their ability to “help the ticket.”

University of Southern Maine instructor: Would it then be possible for America to be saddled with Col. Sanders as a president simply because the chicken king brought the electoral votes of Kentucky to the ticket?

Flatley: Not only possible, but likely.

Little Falls resident: Some vice presidents became great presidents. Look at Harry Truman.

Flatley: True. Accidents happen. However, the only reason Truman was chosen was because FDR’s handlers were scared to death of Henry Wallace, the same man they had chosen four years earlier who had proven to be flaky.

Windham engineer: Isn’t the office of vice president a good training ground for future presidents?

Flatley: Doesn’t seem so. Does anyone think Nixon’s eventual presidential performance didn’t leave something to be desired?

Scarborough developer: How many vice presidents have become president?

Flatley: Twenty percent. One out of five American presidents were thrust into office from the vice presidency.

South Portland social worker: Were any of them really bad?

Flatley: Several were less than stellar. The one who did the greatest damage was Andrew Johnson, the hard-drinking southern sympathizer that Lincoln’s handlers chose in 1864 to help with the “Border Vote.” He hated blacks, considered them less than human. Among the results of his term in office was a century of pseudo-slavery for our black citizens. His personal habits also contributed to the nascent Prohibition movement.

Cape Elizabeth senior citizen: Who do you predict will be chosen this year?

Flatley: Only Fox News makes predictions. But this year John McCain’s choice is unusually critical. He is the oldest candidate in history. Health and actuarial tables (as well as common sense) make four long years in one of the most stressful offices on earth a stretch. Every Republican wannabee is staying awake nights because whoever catches McCain’s eye may very possibly move to the Oval Office within the next four years.

Buxton woman activist: How about Obama choosing Hillary?

Flatley: No chance. Without a doubt Sen. Clinton, whether you like her or not, is eminently qualified for the presidency. Unfortunately, she can’t bring Sen. Obama any electoral votes beyond those he thinks he can get himself. For him to choose her would, I believe, be an act of statesmanship well beyond anything he has so far demonstrated. The last time we saw that kind of character was when Humphrey chose Ed Muskie. And he lost.

Curious Gorham housewife: You sound too pessimistic. Some of our presidents themselves have been poor choices.

Flatley: Right you are. But two wrongs don’t make a right. At least the convention delegates were considered. One man didn’t do the choosing. Please consider what life would have been like if the country had woken up one morning and found Dan Quayle, Joe Leiberman or Spiro Agnew in Air Force One. Take a deep breath and imagine Dick Cheney in charge of the FBI, the CIA and the 7th Fleet.

Rodney Quinn, who lives in Gorham, is a former Maine secretary of state. He can be reached at [email protected].