Maggie Gray and Lily Flood probably have one of the most experienced teachers a child can get – their grandmother, Pam Leo, who estimates she has about 55,000 hours of experience with children.

That’s due to the 22 years that Leo, a Gorham resident, owned her own daycare center. She has used that experience to teach parenting courses to other local families, and now she has written a book on parenting.

Leo, who helps home school Maggie and Lily, regularly brings them to the children’s room at Gorham’s Baxter Memorial Library. During these visits, Leo allows the kids to set the agenda, in an effort to make learning fun for them.

It seemed to work on Friday, with Leo’s help, the two girls were enthusiastically going through the library, checking out books and even working on the library’s computer.

Gray, 9, sat at a library table and scanned a book, as Leo leafed through the pages with her. “It’s cute,” she said looking at a photo. “We’re reading about dolphins.”

Flood, 7, enjoyed browsing through the books, too. “It’s fun learning,” she said.

As the scene in the library suggests, Pam Leo certainly knows how to connect with children. After owning her own child care center for 22 years and teaching parenting seminars for 16 years, Leo decided she knew enough about the subject to write a book about it. So, she compiled her experiences with children and their needs into a book, “Connection Parenting.” It went on sale in November.

Leo said the material in the book was distilled from her 40 years of experience. “The book is like maple syrup – 40 to 1,” she said.

“Connection Parenting” is centered on the importance of establishing bonds between children and adults. Leo said this makes her book different from any other parenting book available today.

“My book is about meeting children’s needs rather than trying to control their behavior,” she said.

The focus of the book is parenting through connection instead of coercion and through love instead of fear.

A lifelong dream

Writing the book fulfilled a lifelong dream for Leo. She began working on the book last February and it was published in November. But the inspiration for the book actually came years before Leo put pen to paper. “It took me 20 years to write the book,” she said.

Leo, a lifelong Maine resident, is single and she raised her daughters, for the most part, as a single mom. “Being a single parent is the hardest job there is. You have to have support,” she said. “Parenting is work.”

She said she spent time with each daughter when they were growing up, but not in a scheduled way. Leo doesn’t have a college degree, but she has read scores of books on parenting and children as an “independent” scholar. “I didn’t know all these things when I was raising my children,” she said.

Finding time to write the book wasn’t easy. She worked on it between 4 and 7 a.m. every day until it was done. She found an editor for the book through the Internet and also contacted a publisher via e-mail with the book idea. A reply came so quickly, Leo was at first afraid to read the response, fearing rejection. Leo said she hasn’t met either the editor or the publisher.

Leo’s goal is to spread the message about the importance of spending time with children, creating a strong bond. “Our most important job as parents is to create and maintain a strong bond with our children,” she said. “A child’s greatest need is a secure bond with at least one adult.”

Post-war era brings changes

Leo uses World War II and the changes to society since then as a benchmark for the beginning of the gradual erosion of bonding between children and parents. She said that before World War II, 95 percent of children were born at home and breastfed. Now, 95 percent of children are born in hospitals and not breastfed.

In earlier times, children and parents naturally bonded. “Most children today spend less time in their home, with their family, than children ever have,” Leo said.

In today’s hectic lifestyle, Leo said parents have to focus on spending time with their children. “This is ancient wisdom. It’s returning to what works,” she said.

Bonding affects the physical, mental and emotional development of children, Leo said. The book is not about child-centered parenting or permissive parenting. She said the book is about teaching children to do what is right.

Children need respect, but parents must set limits and boundaries, said Leo. She recommends that each child receive at least 10 minutes of “one-on-one” time with a parent each day. “That connection is our most powerful parenting tool,” Leo said.

Leo explained that children send messages to parents through “acting out” behavior, which indicates a need or a hurt. Jan Flood, Lily’s other grandparent with her husband Merton Flood, said reading Leo’s book has helped her understand how kids’ minds work. “I’ve learned so much working with her and reading the book,” she said.

Flood said that kids hurt as much or more than adults. “They feel things more intensely,” she said.

As grandparents, the Floods also help with home schooling the two girls. She credits Leo’s techniques in the book as being instrumental in the learning progress of their two granddaughters. “These two girls have developed independent thinking skills,” Flood said.

Besides the book, Leo has written more than 60 articles about parenting. She writes a column, “Empowered Parents,” for “Parent & Family,” a newspaper owned by Jon and Wendy Towle of Gorham.

Seven years ago, Leo closed down her childcare center to teach parenting education full-time. In presenting her seven-week course on parenting, Leo has worked over the years with teen, foster and traditional parents. She has also taught the class to inmates at the Maine Correctional Center in Windham. “I’m pretty busy but it’s work I love,” she said.

She has taught parent groups in churches, schools, daycare centers and a support group for mothers at Baxter Memorial Library. “The book really grew out of the class,” Leo said.

The library hosted a book signing for Leo in November. The library has a lot of activities that help connect parents and children, Leo said. “The library has been a great support to me in writing the book,” Leo said.

Baxter Memorial Library has two copies of the book, which has proven to be popular in town. Deborah Buker, technical services librarian, peered at a computer screen on Friday and said Leo’s book had been checked out but a reference copy was available. “It shows how popular it is,” she said.

Last week, Leo, who has lived in Gorham for 25 years, did a telephone interview about her book with a radio station in Florida. The book is also gaining international attention. Byronchild Magazine in Australia featured an excerpt from her book last month.

“Connection Parenting” can be ordered at local bookstores or purchased online at Amazon.com.

Leo will be starting a seven-week winter workshop, “Meeting the Needs of Children,” from 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. on Tuesdays beginning on Jan. 17 at a location in Greater Portland. Tuition is $115, which includes the book.

“I think it has the potential to help a lot of families,” Leo said about her book, calling the seven-chapter book “a little book with a big message.”

For more information, Leo can be reached at 839-6478 or at www.connectionparenting.com.