Monday morning, while it was snowing, I played golf. I wore jeans and a T-shirt and drank coffee that was periodically topped off by a woman named Cindy. I never looked for my ball, and I didn’t have to carry my bag.

This should’ve been fun, but it wasn’t.

I went to Fore Season Indoor Golf in Portland because, like a lot of golfers, I start getting restless around the same time the PGA Tour is beginning its West Coast Swing. The local weather inevitably turns unseasonably tropical – like it did over the weekend – and I start thinking, “There’s a chance it might not snow again this winter, right?”

And because, less than two years ago, I was living in San Diego and playing during the dead of winter – don’t worry, I wore a long-sleeve T under my golf shirt when the temperature dipped below 65 – my withdrawal symptoms are more pronounced.

The sound of David Feherty’s nasally Irish brogue has been known to trigger unexplained fits of rage. My hands sometimes shake uncontrollably until I pick up my putter – it sits next to the desk in my home office – and make a few practice strokes. And once in a while, when the sky is abnormally gray, the color green makes me cry.

So I went to Fore Season to quench my thirst. Having never played simulator golf before, I didn’t know what I was getting into.

My expectations were too high.

When I picked Torrey Pines from the list of more than 30 courses available, I thought I’d be transported back to the days when I regularly played San Diego’s seaside municipal gem, the site of the 2008 U.S. Open. Instead, I was transported back to my friend John’s somewhat seaside South Boston living room, the site of multiple late-night Tiger Woods PGA 2004 marathons.

I liked that I was able to swing my driver without having to worry about taking down a light fixture, but I didn’t like the video game aspect. I realize I’m being picky here – it was snowing outside, and I was playing 18 – but part of what I enjoy about golf has nothing to do with hitting the little white ball.

I like being outside and letting my mind wander while I walk from shot to shot. I prefer remote courses because I like zoning out and hearing nothing but birds chirping and leaves rustling. I like poking around in the woods for my ball and then figuring out a way to hit it off of a tree root, under a branch and over a creek while avoiding direct contact with the patch of poison ivy I’m standing in.

When I was able to watch the sun set over the Pacific Ocean at Torrey Pines, it was easier to swallow the 98 I had just shot.

With the sound of Montel Williams’ voice echoing in the background on the TV behind the bar at Fore Season, it wasn’t so easy to put my opening-hole quadruple bogey behind me.

At this point, I should probably mention that part of the reason why I didn’t have much fun was that I absolutely STUNK UP the joint. My swing didn’t feel as choppy as I thought it might, but the results weren’t there. When I wasn’t slicing, I was hooking or popping it up.

The two men playing in the bay next to me seemed to be enjoying themselves as if on a men’s-only Myrtle Beach getaway, so, at the turn, I wandered over to spy on them.

“I love it,” said Bo Coombs, a retired Portland resident who has a three-month membership at Fore Season. “The problem with me is, I finally get my swing down at the end of the year and then when I come back it takes another six months to figure out what the swing was. This way, I keep my swing going.”

Tim Moody, a retired Windham resident and Coombs’ regular playing partner, agreed.

“It definitely keeps your swing going for you,” he said. “I don’t think it hurts (your game). I think it helps it. It’s very accurate.”

Just how accurate is it, though?

Frustrated with my score of plus-35, I tracked down owner Geno Achevarria for an explanation.

“Essentially you’ve got two infrared screens that the ball has to pass through,” he said. “Once it breaks the plane the computer recognizes where on the plane it broke it, then it goes to the next screen where it breaks the plane there. Now it knows the direction, angle of attack and it calculates the speed.

“And then on the rebound off the screen on a hard shot, that’s how it knows what kind of spin you put on the ball. So, if you have a hook or slice inside you’re going to have a hook or slice outside.”

Fair enough, but I think I’ll tough it out until spring