RAPTURE (720 wds)

Lucius Flatley, who has only recently become acquainted with the PC and its handmaiden, the Internet, was recently moved to comment on some of the more astonishing products he finds on that prodigious facility. While much of his e-mail time is spent wiping out paranoid expostulations on how brilliant the invasion of Iran really was in spite of what the “leftist” media has failed to report – he found enough time to explore the tsunami of fact, opinion, news, and gossip to be found in the world of Google.

Using this new friend, he discovered a company that inspired him to some research. Identified on its Web site as You’ve Been Left Behind, this outfit, for a $40 annual fee, promises to maintain communication between those who have been called up by “The Rapture” and those left behind. The Rapture (according to information also provided by Google) will occur worldwide, instantly and without warning. With it, Jesus will come to earth and insure that the chosen will be transported straight away to their heavenly reward. The remaining folks will be left behind to deal with the imminent end of the world as best they can. The scriptural basis for this adventure – when traced through several languages – is found in a Greek term which means “caught up” or “taken away.”

Like Gabriel’s advice to Mohammed, instructions for the Rapture are occasionally a bit obscure, but it seems that there will be a period between the Rapture and the final end of the world – most accounts set the time at seven years – a hiatus during which this new organization is offering to provide a service – from the beyond to the present.

Lucius had long been dimly aware of the possibility of such a phenomenon – after all, the national administration has been active for some years in supporting and funding fundamentalist Christian assemblies – but he had disregarded the implications. Even during an occasional commercial flight he had failed to ascertain that at least one of the two pilots was a non-believer and thus likely to remain for a safe landing in the event the rest of the crew was suddenly called aloft.

But now that the Rapture had achieved commercial respectability, this proffering seemed worth looking into.

The Left Behind company offers to provide e-mail communication between those who have been transported and those left behind. For six days after the Rapture, subscribers will be able to send e-mails to 62 addresses of their choice. Typically these will be pleas to the unsaved to accept Christ and thus to embark on the same voyage – to become a sort of adjunct passengers. To convince recipients that the message sender is genuine, once ensconced in heaven, the chosen will also have access to high-level planning and he, or she, will be able to predict future events. Done with flair and specificity, earth-bound pen pals would find advance knowledge of this type from their celestial correspondents difficult to ignore.

However, these communiquas need not be concerned only with salvation. Messages may be “I told you so” or, “goodbye sucker” or even, as one blogger suggested, revelation of a past conquest of someone else’s wife! The content of the messages is entirely up to the individual purchaser.

But possibly the most valuable feature of this organization’s proposal has little to do with simple messages. They offer a unique service, a kindness. They will care for assets of the departed. Using the company’s encrypted security account, senders may entrust the company with banking and brokerage accounts, personal valuables, and powers of attorney. This sounds like a good idea – even necessary – because the body of the departed will have ascended along with the spirit, and without proper legal documentation an estate will require seven years plus the decision of a probate court to authorize property distribution. And seven years is exactly the time left to the world – a time which would give the antichrist opportunity to get his (or her, or its) hands on these assets. You’ve Been Left Behind is willing to act in your behalf to insure that the Anti-Christ is kept well out of your wealth and holdings.

This service impressed Lucius. It certainly seems valuable enough to justify 40 bucks per annum.

Just in case.