IMMIGRATION CONTROL MEETING (800 wds)

The CIA discovered that Mexico has invented a portable ladder that extends two feet higher than the new 900 mile long, fifteen billion dollar US/Mexico border fence. That news meant that someone or some office might be held accountable for a wasted fence – or worse, lunacy – so an intergovernmental three day conference involving fourteen US government agencies was held in Nogales, Arizona to find ways to solve border problems – and escape blame. On the basis of his work during the Ford administration as the Assistant Secretary for Intractable Latin Neighbors, Lucius Flatley, Gorham scientist, economist and philosopher, also attended. He described the attendees and their concerns to his regular coffee shop seminar last week.

US Border Patrol -Basic organization primarily concerned with patrolling, capturing, and returning of captured illegals. The agency nearly tripled in size during the Bush years and has lots of extra people who like to attend meetings. Their main concern was to hire more agents.

Homeland Security- The newest government agency and anxious to expand its turf. This group opened the meeting with a proposal to dam the Rio Grande and make it navigable – thus allowing the Coast Guard to interdict border crossers along the Texas border.

US Army Engineers and Interior Department – Since they had been involved in the construction of the multi billion dollar wall they wanted to make sure they weren’t blamed for the boondoggle it turned out to be.

ACDA-Arms Control and Disarmament Agency -Concerned about export of nuclear material or technology – especially in making sure that no Iranians or North Koreans smuggle out secrets.

DEA – Drug Enforcement Agency: Wanted to insure that the reported amount of drugs getting into the US was high enough to justify an increase in next years appropriations. Also wanted to be sure that no other agency gets credit for newsworthy drug busts.

Secret Service – Counterfeiting Division – Watching out for fake hundred dollar bills. Claimed that counterfeit Ben Franklins are the main income for North Korea – chiefly to buy expensive scotch for Kim Jong-il.

ATF – Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms – There at the request of the National Rifle Association to make sure that the US is not blamed as the source of guns used in Mexico. They also argued that assault guns in the hands of ranchers and volunteer border patrols would be beneficial.

US Coast Guard – Concerned with navigation rights on Rio Grande in case the dam suggestion is accepted. Suggested procurement of 500 new high speed river-class craft to be built by General Dynamics. Good news for Bath Iron Works.

Governors of Arizona, Texas and New Mexiso were invited – but none attended. California couldn’t afford to travel, state is broke. New Mexico governor speaks Spanish, but is busy fighting corruption charges. Arizona governor knew better than to spend three days in Nogales this time of year. Texas governor because he is trying to secede from US and establish five separate countries.

National Guard (Asst Sec Defense). The National guard now has large number of its forces in the desert along the border and wanted to make sure their personnel are not spending too much time in Mexican cantinas.

US Army Reserves (Deputy Sec Defense)- Protect next years budget by insuring that National Guard does not receive more money and equipment than they do.

CINCCAC (Commander, Continental American Command) – There to make sure any armed organizations are properly respectful of JCS prerogatives, and to insure that Mexican border duty is not assigned to the regular forces – who are busy in Okinawa and Germany.

FBI – In memory of J Edgar Hoover, the FBI is everywhere to make sure that no student groups are being un-American .

Other than dams, there were only four agenda items considered: 1. Killing all border crossers – shoot on sight like we did in Viet Nam. 2. Putting the Mexican drug cartels on the US payroll and giving them state of the art weapons like we did for the Sunnis in Iraq., 3. Winning hearts and minds with remote missile strikes like we are doing in Afghanistan. 4. Spraying northern Mexico to sterilize border like we did in Columbia.

One attendee, apparently a Mormon, was for multi-marriage of each female immigrant to become a part time extra wife for American border ranchers and farmers.

There were differences over rate of travel reimbursement for different agencies and a lot of shoving and pushing about hotel accomodations. A few attendees commuted to the meeting from Tucson – where resort spas were available.

The product of the meeting was outlined in a final communiqua. It called for a new joint study group to make recommendations in six months – with the next meeting to be held in Cancun, where the hotel accommodations are better and the weather more pleasant.