Noteworthy occurrences on the Flatley farm this past week included a short tour by farm Supreme Court Justices Sparky Scaria, the Staffordshire Terrier, and Terrapin Thomas, the Black Turtle, to defend the recent court decision giving horses and cows free run in the farm house – freedom previously enjoyed only by house-trained dogs and cats.

The court said that large and small animals are both mammals, and therefore enjoy the same rights. As a result, with the current farm president campaign in full swing – and the well-known digestive release propensities of milk cows and draft horses – the Flatleys will soon find it difficult to distinguish the furniture from piles of poop. It’s much like being unable to discern political truth through the fog of Fox TV.

Scaria’s defense of the court decision glittered with the force of his bull-terrier canine intellect. Terrapin Tom, as is his custom, remained silent and scowled his famous resentment of whatever it is that he resents.

At the Ovine (sheep) presidential convention, the selection of Redbone Ryan the Retriever as VP caught all eyes. The young dog’s selection verged on “surprise” – much like Sarah, the Quacker Goose, who was selected to “shake up” the last losing Ovine race four years ago. With his fine white teeth, protruding ears, sweet pleading blue eyes, ecstatic tail wagging, tongue out, waiting for a thrown stick, the bouncy Retriever clearly eclipsed his leader, Milton the Mormon Moose. His beliefs on the sanctity of sperm, of keeping sows, cows and ewes only as breeders, and his belief that animals of the same sex should not graze together, are popular among feral animals – a group of increasing importance to the Ovine party. Well known for his philosophical flexibility and adherence to expediency, Redbone continued to avoid the truth and quickly altered his positions as the breeze of ambition urged. However, this characteristic among animals that seek office is not disqualifying in Flatley farm politics

The Ovine convention speeches were enlivened by Clint Camel the Quadruped Cowboy who forgot who Milton the Moose was, and talked to an empty chair well past his allotted time. Fox News gamely defended his performance – calling him an American icon, a Portrayer of Perfect Police Procedure.

It has long been customary to “showcase” previous office holders or party candidates at farm presidential conventions, but no Ovine heroes were to be seen this year. Apparently, there has been no Ovine public life since Reluctant Ron, Nancy’s Show Pony. Only a shimmering vision of phantasms, apparitions and ghost-like traces of figures materialized in the humid sky over the convention. Like Scrooge’s Christmas conscience, these apparitions apparently were visions of conventions past. The thinnest phantom of all was Goofus George, the Brushchopping Badger, who, as far as Ovines are concerned, doesn’t exist. He, along with Dapper Don Rummy the Defense Dog, Darth Vader Dick the Birdshooter, and Persuadable Powell the Beige Bear, have become non-persons, history not so much revised as dissipated!

However, although forbidden the microphone, Bitter Billy McGoat, the Ovine candidate four years ago, was permitted to wander from group to group on the convention floor.

After the close of the Ovine convention, a few disgruntled supporters of Simple Paul Poodle, the Texas termite, were found comatose under the bleachers where the party managers had consigned them. They were resuscitated and each was given a signed Moose picture to take back to Meddybemps and Coburn Gore.

Little news is available at this writing on the Avian (bird) convention. Fox News predicted that Alhambra, the Dusky Drake, will promise to appoint a gay general as commandant of the Marines, and will subsidize single-sex marriages with farm funds. If so, this will not only improve enlistments, but also encourage the planting of corn.

One thing is certain about the Avian convention. Randy Bill Badger, the Willie Waggler is speaking, but his ex-trainer, Loose Lewinsky the Leopardess, will be as far out of sight as were the party heroes at the Ovine convention.

Stand by for coffee shop discussions on the campaign in following weeks.

Thought for the week:

Canadians, with tight banking regulations, a graduated tax system, and a “socialist” government that provides single-pay universal health care, are now individually richer than U.S. citizens (average household net worth: $363,302 versus $319,970).

Rodney Quinn, a former Maine secretary of state, lives in Westbrook. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.

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