In seventh grade, my mother signed me up for ballroom dance lessons.

That was bad enough.

Even worse was that the people involved with the fiasco – teachers, participants, parents – contacted me each year for the next six years. “Do you know ballroom dance starts next week? Are you signed up? Need a ride?”

Answers: No; No; and Stop contacting me, or I will call the police.

The Boston Marathon devotees are the same.

I ran that marathon in 2011 (polygraph and race results available upon request).

I can explain.

I didn’t run the marathon just so I could tell you I ran it (OK, that may have been PART of the reason). I was a runner for a million years. And as Down East comic Tim Sample once said: “These people who run all the time, at some point, they just HAVE to do a marathon. And then talk about it!”

In 2012, the marathon people emailed me, ballroom dance-style, “See you on Patriots Day?!!

I emailed them back (poker-game style, saw them two exclamation points, and raised them a third): “You will if you are at Mr. Bagel in Scarborough, and then in front of my TV set at 11 a.m. watching the Red Sox!!!”

Not amused, but they did not give up.

Jan. 15, 2013, another email bombing run: “Dear Daniel: Only 100 days till Marathon day! Will we be training together again this year?!”

Response: 1.) Only bill collectors call me “Daniel;” 2.) Who said you could capitalize the “m” in marathon? And 3.) We are not only NOT going to “train together again;” we never trained together in the past!

My Boston Marathon history.

Started running races to guilt my kids into running (“role modeling,” magazines call it). Then, ran a bunch of Beach to Beacon races. Just to beat some snotty-nosed brats at Scarborough High. Mission accomplished. Then: “Before I die, I will run a marathon.” Did the Fall 2010 Maine Marathon. Qualified for Boston.

Cross that off Kick the Bucket List. Then, “Marathon Nazis” came out of the woodwork. “Boston Marathon Alumni Association e-mail: “Welcome to a future member of our organization!” Oh, jeez.

I said a polite thanks, but no thanks.

New pals would have none of it. “You have GOT to do it!” one said. I fended all of them off, until local comic Gerry Conley hit a nerve: “The Boston Marathon is the only hope you ever have of your kids possibly, maybe, thinking you have done something worthwhile.”

OK, but I was the Anti-Training Guy. No laps, “double-back routes,” wrist watches.

Drive to L.L. Bean parking lot. Run back to Scarborough.

Drive to Maine Diner, Wells exit, Maine Turnpike. Park car. Run Route 1 to Scarborough.

Sebago Lake State Park. Bowdoin College. Etc.

The marathon itself in sunny April was doable. (But, BTW it’s not a road race; it’s a social event. A zoo. Like the Maine Mall on Dec. 24).

The training? With the December-January-March ice and snow, puts it at the enjoyment level of waterboarding, or ballroom dance lessons.

Did marathon once. No more emails. Don’t make me “spam” you.

Dan Warren is a lawyer who lives in Scarborough and can be reached by private Facebook message at Jones & Warren Attorneys at Law.