At last Monday’s coffee shop seminar, the well-known philosopher, Lucius Flatley of North Gorham, weighed in with an interesting proposition: “Cheap oil is bad,” he said, “Expensive oil is good.”

While most of the morning coffee-shop thinkers took exception to such a far-out idea, he did manage to score a few points. He even went so far as to assert that even if new discoveries made oil cheaper, taxes should be made high enough to ensure that the cost remained painful. Two Exxon shareholders were so upset they spilled their coffee.

To those whose coffee remained unspilled, he suggested several benefits from expensive oil.

Reduced oil consumption would cut down carbon in the atmosphere, which in turn would reduce global warming – a circumstance that would not only help save our coastlines, but also would mean not having to listen to Mr. Gore as much.

It would shrink Exxon’s $40 billion profits – money that pays for executive jets, private pheasant shooting lodges for Dick Cheney’s Texas buddies, and bent Alaska politicians.

It would slow the outflow of money to duplicitous characters such as Putin, Ahmadinajad, Chavez and a desert full of Arabs. (Flatley also noted that less money could also improve the lives of many poor Arabs. If the sheiks could no longer afford large numbers of wives, goat herders could possess more of that desirable commodity.)

We could reduce the defense budget. In order to protect the discovery, production and transportation of oil, more that 500,000 U.S. military people are eating Big Macs in nearly 80 permanent sites in 63 countries. There are a total of 156 foreign locations that have some U.S. personnel. If we used less foreign oil, we could not only save money and people, we could also save a good deal of ink and paper now wasted on “Yankee Go Home” signs.

We could aid Alaska. This far-seeing state levies taxes on the rest of the U.S. for oil extraction and conveyance. With higher oil prices, it could raise taxes. These riches should permit the state to increase its current yearly bonus of $2,000 for each person to, say, $3,000. Such a blessing should permit them to pay off the mortgage on the Wasilla hockey rink.

Expensive oil encourages good health. Much of the current concern about obesity in America is directly associated with cheap oil. With expensive oil making a dent in spending choices, people will walk more and will be healthier. That, in turn, would yield immediate benefits in loss of weight and healthier cardiovascular systems. Rather than spend a thousand bucks a day to have spa “facilitators” schlep whole-wheat toast and kumquat juice to reclining spa “guests,” dieters could get their own damn toast, and money now spent on spas and designer diets could help the pay-down on Mr. Bush’s $10 trillion debt.

Rodney Quinn, who lives in Gorham, is a former Maine secretary of state. He can be contacted at [email protected].