Q: My oldest bonusdaughter, who’s almost 9, keeps coming to me asking for things I believe should be covered by child support money. Things such as a blow dryer for her mother’s house, a hairbrush to keep in her swim bag, etc. Is it appropriate to tell her that her father gives her mother money every month to buy these sorts of things and she should ask her mom for them? And if not, do we just have to keep biting the bullet and shelling out additional cash for these sorts of things all the time?

A: It’s very bad ex-etiquette to discuss child support with a child, especially one who is so young. That conversation should always be between the mother and father and kept away from the children. We also see a red flag here. It’s not merely a child support issue, but a communication problem as well because you don’t know the context for her request.

For example, your bonusdaughter may be on restriction and being told that once she brings up her grades or does the dishes or washes the dog, she can get a new blow dryer. In a 9-year-old’s mind that translates to, “Mom won’t buy me one.” So if you buy her one for Mom’s house and there’s a reason why Mom has said “no,” you can see how much trouble you’ll cause. That’s why we suggest you always start by checking in with the parent. Find out the rest of the story and brainstorm with Mom as to how to get what the child needs.

In terms of “shelling out additional cash” — that’s not the best way to put it, but we do understand that’s how it feels sometimes. The truth is, as kids get older they cost more, which often comes as a surprise to new bonusparents.

The most common issue we see is someone who marries a noncustodial parent with a young child who visits on the weekends. Then that child turns 12, has a run-in with the custodial parent, and all of a sudden the bonusparent has a child living with them full time. It turns the house and the household expenses upside down. Bonusparents must learn to roll with the punches because things can always change.

What’s typically covered by child support? Child support is the noncustodial parent’s portion of the expenses of the child, including housing, food, clothing and so on.

Unless the court order specifies that a parent is to pay for additional expenses, a parent is not obligated to provide extra money. However, it’s not uncommon for parents to agree to equally split the cost of sports or other extracurricular activities because without both contributing, the child could not participate.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

— McClatchy-Tribune

 

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