Because I’m an old man, I often think about doing foolish things.

Almost everyone has a little portable telephone with the internet on it. I have seen what they do.

Although the writing on the screens is too small to read, you can take pictures with these little plastic gizmos, which is what I see my bed-and-breakfast guests doing. They photograph themselves standing before my solar panels or sitting in my Model T and immediately email the pictures to me.

Should Vigeland or The Slipway Restaurant be mentioned at the breakfast table, within seconds someone has a picture of it displayed on the phone in their hand.

It is a wonderful toy with a utilitarian value.

A quick Google informed me that these things are called “smartphones.” I can see why anyone would want one. I could have a rig on it that would tell me if anyone has booked a room and would be able to immediately block out that date so it wouldn’t be double booked by another guest.

I wondered how many people we would have to have at our bed-and-breakfast before I could afford to have one.

So I looked.

Do you believe $3,000 or so for a two-year contract? That’s more than we grossed in our last bed-and-breakfast season.

Then I read: “On the other hand, Sprint is fighting for market share by offering the Palm Pre for a monthly cost of ownership of about $110.”

Where do people get money to own these things? What are people earning that they can pay $1,500 a year for a hand-held computer that will take pictures?

The last year I taught school I think I got around $7,500 – and with a master’s plus 60 graduate hours, I was the highest-paid teacher in the district. So I’m still thinking in prehistoric terms. What in the world can people be earning today that will let them pay $100 a month for a smartphone?

At present our bill for telephone, computer cable, Roku television and electricity (which includes electric heat and a clothes drier that runs constantly) is about $600.

That’s per year. Not per month.

And some people pay twice as much in a year for just a telephone as what I pay in a year – for all of my utilities and electric heat? It boggles an old man’s mind. So it might be awhile before you see me flashing a smartphone. If nothing else, this morning I learned what they call the things.

By the way, do you want to know how to find out more than you want to know about smartphones? Make mention of them on your Facebook page. Last week I posted on my Facebook page one of my radio rants in which I mentioned Viagra. I now see Viagra ads popping up on the side of my screen.

Speak of the devil, and he walks in. Yes. You can tell what people have been Googling by the ads on their computer screens. Should my wife, Marsha, look over my shoulder, she might raise her eyebrows.

Have you given this any thought? Mention racing cars or expensive violins on your Facebook page and that’s what you’re going to see in ads on your computer screen?

Guess what? Every day I’m going to type the words “van Gogh paintings” on my Facebook page. That way, the ads in my sidebar will contain only colorful post-impressionistic paintings.

Because you are obviously interested, here’s the radio rant in which I mentioned Viagra. If you live in Rockland, Maine, or New York City, you might have heard this on last week’s show.

I said, “Here’s a rare email that came my way a while back. The heading was ‘Courier delivered Viagra.’ Yes, it said, ‘Courier delivered Viagra.’ Can you envision in your mind a situation so critical, so pressing, that one would pay extra to have Viagra delivered by courier?

“Imagine, if you will, vague specters, huddled miserably on the front steps. Their faces brighten at the distant drumming of hoofbeats. A dispatch rider, leather bag over his shoulder, gallops into the dooryard. Without dismounting, he throws himself forward in the saddle, extends a clipboard and says, ‘Please sign here.’ ”

And ever since I printed that rant on my Facebook page, Viagra commercials have been popping up on my computer screen.

Even if you never plan to run for office, you have to be careful of what you write and say nowadays. The internet is omniscient and unforgiving. It can and will eagerly regurgitate more of your youthful indiscretions than your Great-Aunt Susan: Everything you have ever done or said is now readily available on your granddaughter’s smartphone.

Should anyone ask, I never said any of the above.

The humble Farmer can be seen on Community Television in and near Portland and visited at his website:

www.thehumblefarmer.com/MainePrivateRadio.html

Copy the Story Link