At this week’s coffee shop seminar, the noted proctologist, Lucius Flatley, offered an imaginative resolution to the political bewilderment and hostility in Washington. He suggested a division of the United States along the Mason-Dixon line extending from the Atlantic all the way to California that would create two new governments – north and south. These could be called Republican States of America (RSA) in the southern half and Democratic States of America (DSA) in the northern half. Owing to their size and peculiarities, Florida and California could become independent states and retain their present names. For fiscal and intellectual reasons, Alaska could be assigned to the Republican States and Hawaii to the Democratic States.

The Democratic States of America could have its capitol in Chicago, where ACORN has its headquarters and where ex-Gov. Blagojevich could be available to serve as an adviser.

Barrack Obama could be president with Nancy Pelosi as vice president (where she could use Air Force Two for trips to San Francisco). Joe Biden could be secretary of Defense, where he could withdraw all U.S. forces currently overseas. Based on his own income tax experiences, Charlie Wrangel would be secretary of Treasury. Because of his hairdo, Al Sharpton would have the Arts and Culture department. Experience as a TV physician would make Bill Cosby the Surgeon General and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright could be nominated as the head of the World Bank, where he could wear his African clothing and sing gospel.

The Democratic republic would commemorate leaders by naming buildings and parks in their honor. A few of those so honored might include Jane Fonda, Monica Lewinsky and Jesse Jackson. The Supreme Court would be appointed by the ACLU. The New York Times and Washington Post would be issued at government expense to all secondary schools. There would be single-payer health care including death panels and abortion upon request, both of which are certain to be popular. Marijuana would be legal, and cocaine available with a note signed by two relatives

The Army would be required to select females as 50 percent of its new recruits and at least one senior officer at all levels would be gay, to ensure compliance with equality laws. The personal income tax would be at 90 percent – except for performing artists such as Hollywood stars. No religious displays such as cre?ches or Ten Commandments and no prayer in public

The Republican States of America capitol could be in Savannah – sufficiently distant from Ivy League influence to be safe from any new ideas – and where Gov. Sanford could advise on relations with Argentina. The president would be Rush Limbaugh with vice president Tom Delay (who would agree not to appear again on “Dancing with the Stars”). Dick Cheney could be attorney general, with powers to arrest and torture at his pleasure. Larry Craig, with his expertise on men’s rooms, could be in charge of Interior and Health. Because of her familiarity with nearby Russia, Sarah Palin could be secretary of State. Jack Abramoff would be secretary the Treasury, where the lobbyists would be paid directly, and Glen Beck as press officer, where he could present his incoherent rants as news. The Supreme Court would be appointed by the Southern Baptist Association and the National Association of Manufacturers. With John McCain as secretary of Defense, 200,000 more troops would be on their way to Afghanistan and Iran would be scheduled to be leveled with nukes.

Great Republican figures would be commemorated by statues and would surely include Richard Nixon, Strom Thurmond and Joe McCarthy. The NRA would move its headquarters to the new Savannah capitol and erect a statue of Charleton Heston holding a rifle aloft with inscription “…Pry from my cold, dead hands!”

Wiretaps and electronic intercepts would only need approval by local police officers of the rank of sergeant or above. However, police would be prohibited in men’s rooms. Pages would have personal cell phones with Twitter accounts to congressmen. Hookers on staff provide for senators but House members would pay for their own.

There would be a weekly annihilation of a convicted criminal carried live on Fox News. Barbecue with chili would be the national dish – often served on tailgate at NASCAR races. Teaching of evolution theory would be replaced by Adam and Eve facts. Social Security and Medicare would be abandoned and medical diagnosis made by senators via TV. Income taxes would be a maximum of 5 percent. Fox TV would be the only news channel; Rev Moon’s Washington Times and the Wall Street Journal would be mailed at government expense.

With these fortunate divisions, peace and amity between the two nations should be easy and constant.

Note: Maine’s two senators would initially move to Savannah, but would return to Maine once the newly adopted RCS constitution provided that only white males could hold national office. They could be subsequently employed in referendum and veto campaigns in Aroostook County.

Rodney Quinn, who lives in Gorham, is a former Maine secretary of state. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.

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